


Hello, Roomie

by PumpkinDoodles



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Is it Cap? It Seems like Cap, Mystery Roommates, SHIELD Office Hijinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-29 05:11:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16257344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinDoodles/pseuds/PumpkinDoodles
Summary: Nick Fury has finally convinced Jane Foster to come work for SHIELD in DC. For Darcy Lewis, that means a brand new world of employee perks: an actual salary, health insurance (very good for those alien situations), even a SHIELD subsidized apartment. She's asked for a small, single studio, but they're all out. No vacancies at the SHIELD-owned complex. But Fury's placed her with a roommate who travels on missions. A lot of missions. It'll be like she lives alone, she just has to keep quiet about her new roomie's movements and schedule.There's only one problem: they've never actually met. But Darcy swears "Resident A"--who leaves such nice messages on the apartment's tablet--is short for "America." Probably. Everyone says Steve Rogers is so nice, after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing!

“I’m really sorry, Darce,” Jane whispered as they walked down the hallway at their new lab space. “There was nothing I could do. Fury insisted we stay in SHIELD apartments because of our work clearance and they’re out of the studio apartments you wanted in the SHIELD complex. So, you have to stay with this SHIELD agent.”

“I can’t believe the things I do for you,” Darcy said. “Years of interning, no social life, aliens, and now a _stranger_ for a roommate? I thought I’d finally have my own place! That was my big freaking perk for joining the jackbooted thugs, along with actual insurance. Who is this SHIELD agent I’m splitting the two bedroom with? What’s she like?” Jane frowned and looked a little squirrelly.

“Um, I’ve been told it’s one of the STRIKE team agents, so they’ll be traveling a lot and you’ll barely see them,” Jane said. “Fury said it’s someone with a high clearance level who gets to stay in a private apartment, so, really, you’re getting a nicer apartment?”

“STRIKE teams?” Darcy said. “Jaaaaaane! It’s a dude, isn’t it? Those teams are full of weirdo guys. I saw STRIKE Alpha in the elevator on our first orientation day and almost peed my pants, okay?”

“Darce, keep your voice down!” Jane whispered, giggling.

“Okay, but this one dude looked like he had murder rabies, hand to God. I said hello and I think he growled at me. If my new roommate communicates in growls and woofs, I’m sleeping on your damn couch,” Darcy said. They rounded the corner at Triskelion and Darcy froze. “Oh shit.”

“What?” Jane said. There was a man sitting in their shiny new lab. He was reading one of Jane’s publications. He looked furiously angry.

“That’s him. Agent Rabid. Oh God. Please don’t let him be the roommate, please don’t let him be the roommate,” Darcy said, stopping to stare. His prominent jaw worked and his high-cheekbones seemed especially visible, like he ground his teeth a lot. Probably down into points, Darcy thought. He probably had Nosferatu teeth, all pointy and sharp….

“Oh. He does look...murdery,” Jane admitted in a low voice.

“He’s a one-man _Investigation Discovery_ lineup, Janey. He did it. He did all the murders. I’m very sorry, but I have to flee now, my life’s at stake,” Darcy said in a serious voice.

“You can’t leave me,” Jane said. “I need you!”

“It’s a matter of life and death. He’ll devour the bones of your new assistant, Chuck the Actual Science science major, and I’ll be in hiding,” she said. “Working as a waitress at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville in Myrtle Beach, SC. Do you think I’d make a plausible Lauren?” Darcy said.

“You’d make a better Lauren than you would an actual waitress," Jane said. 

“True,” Darcy said, sighing.

"C’mon, if he’s nasty to you, I’ll portal him,” Jane said.

 

To Darcy’s surprise, the man in the chair looked up when they entered and actually smiled. “I’m looking for a girl called Miss Lewis?” he said to Jane. He was Australian? His accented voice--practically shorthand for ‘very chill and into beer pong’--and that facial expression didn’t match at all. His smile was truly alarming, Darcy thought. She was trying not hyperventilate.

“I’m Jane Foster, this is Darcy Lewis,” Jane said. “How can we help you?”

“I’ve been deputized to deliver your welcome packet,” the man said. “I’m Jack Rollins.”

“You’re my new roommate?” Darcy said, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. She was calm and collected, dammit. She’d tased Thor. She could handle oddly feral-faced Australians.

“Oh, no. STRIKE Alpha’s on a mission in North Africa for two weeks with Rogers and Romanoff. I just transferred in from Perth, so I’m waiting on my special SHIELD clearance to work with Cap,” he said, grinning. “Opportunity of a lifetime, really.”

“You mean Captain America?” Jane said. Neither of them had met the famous Steve yet.

“Her boyfriend knows him,” Darcy supplied. “Jane dates Thor.”

“Darce,” Jane said. She was trying not to brag about Thor. She thought people might assume she was just eye candy for the future king of Asgard or resent her because Thor was all muscly and whatnot.

“Bonzer,” Agent Rollins said with another of those terrifying smiles. He handed Darcy a sealed envelope. “Everything you need is in there, according to Fury. Keys, directions, the lot.”

“Thanks,” Darcy said. He stood to leave, saying goodbye to them with an alarming cheerfulness, and had his hand on the door handle when Darcy realized something. “Hey, wait, Agent Rollins! Who is my roommate, if it’s not you?” she asked.

“I don’t actually know,” he said with a grin. “I assume it’s in the envelope, but Fury’d have my head if I peeked. He made that clear. I sorta assumed it was Cap, darl,” he said. “Why else would he be so secretive?”

 

“Captain America is my new roommate?” Darcy said breathlessly to Jane when Rollins had left. “Oh em freaking gee, Jane,” she said.

“Open the envelope! Open the envelope!” Jane said. Darcy tore it open. Inside was a pair of house keys, directions, a mailbox key, an ID badge-slash-key card, and two notes.

 

The top one was a list of rules from Fury:

_Lewis,_

_Don’t trash the apartment; he just repainted everything and would send me a damn bill. No pets!_

_Don’t tell anybody but Foster and Thor where you live._

_Don’t tell anybody but Foster and Thor who you live with._

_Never tell anybody your new roommate’s schedule and whereabouts —at any time._

_Understood? I’m giving you Foster and Thor because I know there’s no point in asking you to lie to Foster, but I’m not kidding, Lewis._

_Nick Fury_

 

“Boo, Fury won’t let me get a ferret,” Darcy said, looking up at Jane.

“You don’t even like ferrets,” Jane pointed out.

“Still, it’s the principle, Janey. I could name the ferret Freedom? Or Justice?” Darcy said.

There was a second, more friendly note:

 

_Hello, Miss Lewis--_

_I’m away on a mission for the next several weeks, but please be comfortable at the apartment. I travel frequently for SHIELD, so it’s likely that we won’t see much of each other, but the building is very secure._

_Best,_

_Your new roommate_

 

The bottom of the message was signed with a cursive set of overlapping, scrawled initials that had been smudged. It looked like an R and another, mostly illegible, letter. “That’s SR for Steve Rogers, isn’t it? Or is it?” Darcy said.

“I’m not sure?” Jane said. “It does look like an R with a loop at the bottom, but the ink bled for the other one. What if it’s a B and not an R?” The letter had been signed, then stuffed quickly into the envelope.

“It doesn’t look like a B to me,” Darcy said.

“I think it does,” Jane said.

“Hmm. Whatever it is, somebody left in a hurry,” Darcy said, grinning, “almost like they needed to go save the world or something?”

“It does look like that,” Jane said.

“Do you want to check out this top-secret apartment with me? If he and Thor know each other personally, Fury can hardly object to you knowing where it is…” Darcy said, her smile growing wicked.

“Yesssssssss,” Jane said, raising her eyebrows. “I mean, the letter says you can, so….”

 

***

Darcy could hardly wait to see the place. It was in a famous DC apartment building, so she was expecting something grand and elegant and classic, probably with big columns. “This is it?” she said, when she and Jane pulled up in the company car that SHIELD had leased for Jane. “This is the place where Senator Adams was arrested after he tried to bribe that undercover cop in the garage?” Darcy said out loud.

“It’s...ew,” Jane said. “It looks old. Not good old, but seventies architecture old.” The building was a rounded u-shaped tower of concrete. It reminded Darcy of, like, terrible _Star Wars-_ inspired space age architecture. Almost industrial. Very dated.

“Asbestos old. How is this place famous?” Darcy asked. She knew--she learned in Poli Sci 101--that a few Congressmen had lived here during a major insider trading scandal in 1978. That had cemented their opinion that it must be Captain America who was Darcy’s new roomie. A Zillow search had revealed a bunch of really expensive, but surprisingly, photograph-less listings for units. It was pricey and private. Not that Steve Rogers couldn’t afford it. Jane had heard from Thor who’d heard from Bruce who’d heard from Tony that Steve had received seventy years of inflation-adjusted Army back pay as America’s oldest living and longest-held MIA/POW soldier.  An impressive sum, it had been implied. Probably millions, if the gossip was right.

“Are you ready to go in?” Jane said, once they’d driven into the parking garage.

“Oh, this is super creepy. Creepy!” Darcy said, as they got out her luggage and a box of her books. They’d been traveling so much that Darcy didn’t have many belongings. She needed to buy sheets.

“Maybe that’s why Steve wanted to reassure you that the building was safe?” Jane said.

“Maybe,” Darcy said. They went to the elevator and scanned Darcy’s keycard. The doors opened. The inside was surprisingly clean, for an elevator that had glossy wood paneling with an unusual zebra stripey sort of grain.

“Very 1970s, but clean,” Darcy said.

“Well, that’s a good sign, right?” Jane said. “It looks clean.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said. She pressed the elevator button for floor five and they ascended. When the doors opened again, they stepped out onto a waxed floor.

“Original flooring?” Jane said.

“It reminds me of a hospital chapel,” Darcy said in a whisper. “You know, that travertine stuff? Jane, I think I’m moving into a _Mad Men_ episode.”

“Yup,” Jane said. They peeked around until the got to the correct door. Darcy put the key in the lock.

“Ready to see where he lives?” she said to Jane.

 

They opened the door and turned on the lights in the apartment. “Oh em gee,” Darcy said, when they’d stepped inside. To their right was a small half-bath for guests. To their left was an open kitchen with a long, curving island. Beyond that, there was a living room and dining table. The opposite wall was lined with floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked a balcony. The apartment had an amazing view of the Potomac.

“This is why people live here,” Jane said. “Darce, is this a million dollar apartment or something?”

“It really looks like it, doesn’t it?” Darcy said. Everything had been remodeled to mimic or reflect the view of the curving Potomac in the distance: the living room furniture was low and sleek, the minimalist kitchen cabinets were black and shiny,  the stone counters had soft, curving angles instead of a straight line, and the kitchen island undulated in a pattern that mirrored the river itself. “I think this is actually wood, Jane,” Darcy said. At first, she’d thought the top of the island was made of some sort of brown granite or fancy marble, but as she turned on lights, she realized that it was covered in a thick slab of wood with an irregular edge. Everything was sleek and impossibly expensive-looking. “No wonder Fury was worried I’d trash this place,” Darcy said.

“Who knew Captain America had such expensive taste?” Jane said. “Tony and Pepper would live here. That’s not the impression I got from Thor.”

“To be honest, I was expecting a vintage Brooklyn Dodgers poster and one of those retro Crosley radios,” Darcy said, wandering into the kitchen. Jane was staring at the view. “Maybe this is just a SHIELD apartment for VIPs and Thad Ross lived here first?” Darcy said.

“That sounds more right,” Jane said.

There was one item on the kitchen counter, next to an espresso machine: a detachable tablet. It must be linked in to control all the appliances, Darcy thought, because there were icons along the edge of the screen for the fridge, air-conditioning, stove, and other appliances.  On the center of the screen, it was flashing a text message.

 

 **Resident A** : Welcome Darcy Lewis.

 

“Jane! Jane! I think Captain America has communicated with me via this tablet. Should I reply back?” Darcy said.

“What?” Jane said, turning around.

“Of course I should,” Darcy said. “I wonder if ‘Resident A’ is a pun on America? That’s actually kinda funny. Resident America. ” She started typing a message.

 

 **Resident B:** Hello, New Roomie!  This apartment is terrifyingly fancy and I’m afraid I’ll break something. I’m not used to appliances not held together with galaxy-print duct tape.

 

“Oooh, Jane, I’m Resident B, apparently,” Darcy told her. “Let’s go see my room.” They went around  the corner from the living room and found two doors. One had a deadbolt and a keypad. It was locked.

“I’m guessing this is Cap’s,” Jane said. The second door was open. There was a keypad, but someone had taped a card with instructions on how to set your own passcode to the door.

“Oh my God, Jane,” Darcy said. “Look at the view.” Her balcony attached to the one off the living room.

“Amazing,” Jane said. The Potomac was all blues and purples in the twilight.

Darcy’s new bedroom wasn’t very large, but it had gorgeous builts in a soft vanilla wood color that made it feel sleek and open. There was a platform bed with a brand-new mattress, still in plastic. “Oooh, pillow-top,” Darcy said. “Come bounce on this with me, Jane,” Darcy said, sitting on the bed and bouncing up and down.

Jane grinned. “You do that on every mattress in every hotel,” she said.

“But this is a really swish one,” Darcy said. She opened all the cabinets and oooh’d and ahhh’d at her new storage space. The view was exceptional and there was an attached bathroom, all in shades of white and soft blue. “I have a tub! A really good tub. I think this is the master suite, Jane,” she said. “Has Captain America given me the nicer bedroom?”

“That does seem like something he might do,” Jane said. “Thor says Steve is very nice.” They went outside onto the balcony and realized it curved around at an angle. Their unit was placed at one of the rounded edges of the building. Darcy peered around the side and it dawned on her that her roommate had his own section of balcony, too. His faced upriver, while hers faced downriver, basically. But Darcy thought her view might be slightly better. Why did she have the better view?

“Jane, get over here, I’m peeking into Captain America’s bedroom!” Darcy said in a faux whisper. She looked through the glass. The blackout curtains were mostly pulled to, but she could see through a small gap. He hadn’t pulled them all the way closed. “That’s definitely a guy’s room, isn’t it?” Darcy asked Jane. The only visible furniture was a large bed with dark blue bedding and a big flatscreen tv on the wall. There was built-in cabinetry that matched hers and what Darcy thought might be another bathroom door.

 

“Let’s see if Captain America has replied to your message,” Jane said. They went back inside and Jane turned on the television in the living room. Someone had been watching C-Span. Darcy checked the tablet.

 

 **Resident A:** Hello, Roomie. I think you’ll be fine. It’s all very user-friendly. I’m not the most tech-crazed person, so I set it up to be simple enough that I could check things when I was overseas. Make yourself at home. There’s some wine and beer in the fridge, food in the pantry, and something for you in the drawer to the next to the fridge. I’m guessing you’re traveling light and might need supplies.

 

Darcy opened it. Inside was a Target gift card. He’d written an address on the card. “Jane, Steve Rogers is the nicest guy,” Darcy said.

“Thor told me that, too,” Jane said.

“C’mon, Janey, let’s go shopping,” Darcy said, grabbing her purse. “I need pillows and sheets before we drink the wine in the fridge.”

“I still can’t believe you’re going to live here with Steve,” Jane said, as they locked up.

 

Before they left, Darcy typed out a thank you response on the tablet.

 **Resident B:** Oh em gee, you’re the best! Thank you! I feel like you’ve probably given me the best bedroom, too, and that’s really not fair. Like, at all. I have this crazy view!

 

***

The address on the gift card was for the Target, of course. “I missed this so much in Norway!” Darcy said, hopping up and down, as they went through the automatic doors. “They have an attached Starbucks!”

“What?” Jane said. “Bikinis on sale in November?” There was a rack of bathing suits already up near them.

“Hush,” Darcy said. “Or I won’t buy you a peppermint mocha.”

“It’s so commercialist,” Jane grumbled. “They didn’t do that in Norway.”

“There’s no bikini market in northern Norway,” Darcy said. “I wonder if I could get a mini pink Christmas tree for my room this year? Can you imagine how cool that would look?”

“Are you five?” Jane teased. Darcy rolled her eyes. Jane said the same things when she asked for sprinkles whenever they got ice cream.

“Funsucker,” Darcy muttered. “Help me find bedding. I can’t believe _Captain America_ gave me a $250 gift card. That’s like a thousand bucks in 1932 money,” Darcy said, putting a big floor cushion thing in her cart, along with a set of twinkle lights.

“You’re getting those?” Jane said incredulously.

“Uh, yeah. Do I seem like a fancy apartment bitch to you? I need to make my room more chill, Jane. What else is Thor going to sit on when y’all come over to drink and look at my good view?”

“He does like sitting on the floor,” Jane admitted. “He loved that bean bag of yours that he broke.”

“I think this might hold up better,” Darcy said, scrutinizing the multicolor floor cushion. “It’s $45. If it breaks, we’ll get him a bench mattress thing from World Market or something. Help me find some fun sheets.”

 

When Darcy got back from her Target trip with Jane, there was a message waiting on her apartment tablet. She could see from a green light in the corner that he was live--somewhere in the world.

 

 **Resident A:** You should have that room. I’m gone so much, I can’t enjoy the view anyway. I sleep whenever I can get in eight hours, so I prefer the room that gets less sunlight during the day, too.

 **Resident B:** Okay, I have to ask. Was this a SHIELD VIP apartment first? Did Thad Ross live here? How did you get this place? Do you know who is buried in Fury’s backyard or something?

 **Resident A:** Ha. A lot of overtime and a financial windfall a few years ago. It’s actually mine. I work so much that the smartest thing to do with the money was reinvesting it in DC real estate. At the time, the market was still recovering from the recession, so I don’t think I could afford it now.

 **Resident A:** But if you want all the good gossip on Fury….

 **Resident B:** Oh, wow. Wait, if this isn’t a SHIELD apartment, why are you letting ME live here for the same rate as a SHIELD place as part of my employee benefits?

 **Resident A:** One, leaving a place closed up for weeks at a time isn’t good--I had a cracked window after the storm last year and missed it for two weeks and insurance and building management pitched a fit--and I can’t exactly explain my schedule to a non-SHIELDer. So, it helps me to have someone there when I’m out of town. Two, I’m a very good negotiator.

 **Resident B:** What does that mean?

 **Resident A:** It means you’re paying a SHIELD reduced rate and Fury wanted to get you and Foster here so badly that he agreed to match fair market rent to me. Stay as long as you want. I’m happy to have you.

 

Darcy burst out laughing. Captain America was no idiot, she realized. He’d somehow worked it out so that Nick Fury had to pay him to have her live there _and_ given himself a little more cover with the building management? That was impressively savvy of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loosely basing the apartment on the Watergate building in DC. It's super famous (because of the Nixon-era scandal), but I was expecting something really formal and Neoclassical, only to discover when I googled that it's this very modernist, almost grim-looking exterior. I was *shocked* until I realized many of the apartments have incredible views from the inside, hence the building's continued $$$$ and popularity.
> 
> Watergate's exterior: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watergate_complex
> 
> Darcy's living room view of the Potomac is something like this one in my head, although her apartment had been remodeled differently: https://www.homedsgn.com/2011/11/28/watergate-apartment-by-robert-gurney-architect/
> 
> Her raw-wood kitchen island--maybe her roommate picked up the slab on a SHIELD mission?--looks like this: https://pin.it/bdl7h6pswogptt


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine flirting with Captain America and then finding out he had THAT face. Would you be wrecked?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your comments and kudos!

Darcy decorated her new bedroom, learned how to program the toaster settings for Pop Tarts (once she’d discovered what fancy cabinet it was hidden in) and generally got comfortable in her new place. It was like living alone. Resident A--they’d started calling each other A & B by message as a joke--checked in on her occasionally. Surprisingly, Steve seemed to be telling her about cool DC things as they occurred to him: restaurants, bars, that sort of deal. He very patiently answered her apartment-related questions, too, though sometimes there was an hours long gap before replies. She started teasing him about the number of terrorists he’d apprehended. Also, she was dying to meet him. She wasn’t exactly sure when things turned more obviously flirtatious, but it was probably somewhere between the day they spent an hour talking about Iron & Wine concert she’d been to and the night she decided to marathon Audrey Hepburn in the living room.

 

 **Resident A:** Everything ok?

 **Resident B:** I’m totally having a girl movie night on your couch. Popcorn with lots of butter. Cinematherapy and all that?

 **Resident A:** Cinematherapy?

 **Resident B:** You probably missed that. It was a book and then a show on Lifetime. Match your movie watching to your mood. Wanna feel sad? Watch a tearjerker, like _Beaches._ Feeling like a serious historical movie? Try Spielberg.

 **Resident A:** That doesn’t sound so bad. What are you watching?

 **Resident B:** Tonight’s an Audrey Hepburn movie night. _Sabrina,_ _Funny Face_ , maybe _Paris When It Sizzles._

 **Resident A:** What moods are those for? They’re happy movies.

 **Resident B:** How’d you know that? Mostly, they’re because I’m happy, but sometimes insomnia.

 **Resident A:** I don't mind old stuff. Last year, I watched half of that AFI list, too. I’m going to finish it sometime. After _Vertigo,_ I got fixated on Hitchcock and sort of went on a tangent.

 **Resident B:** LOL. That’s perfect. A movie about obsession got you obsessed. Any other favorites?

 **Resident A:** Other than Hitch? _Casablanca. Gilda._ Those are real movies.

 **Resident B:** That makes sense.

 **Resident A:** What’s that mean?

 **Resident B:** You’d like that period of movies. Seems like a you thing.

 **Resident A:** You making a crack about my age, B? Grandpa likes the old black & whites, huh?

 **Resident B:** No! I didn’t mean…

 **Resident A:** You’re right. I’m a little older than you.

 **Resident B:** A little?

 **Resident A:** I’m trying not to think about how recently you graduated from college.

 **Resident B:** You’ve been thinking about the age difference!

 **Resident B:** If it helps you feel less like a perv, I’m actually 30 now. I was a fall baby, so I was always the older kid at school, then after high school I did two gap years.

 **Resident A:** Two what years?

 **Resident B:** I worked at the GAP while I took a few community college classes and beefed up my SATs to get into Culver. LOL. It’s competitive, you know? But they let people transfer in, if you show initiative after high school. I wrote a killer personal essay about the economics of retail and working-class labor, inspired by Barbara Ehrenreich’s book, _Nickled and Dimed_.

 **Resident A:** I’ve heard people mention it. Supposed to be a good book.

 **Resident B:** Yeah. Then I switched majors a few times, Jane and I went gallivanting all over the observatories of Europe for years, it all adds up. I’m an old spinster now, A.

 **Resident A:** Uh-huh.

 **Resident B:** Of course, you’re geriatric by comparison. Sort of like Audrey and Bogart.

 **Resident A:** I’m trying to decide whether I should be offended that you called me geriatric or proud that you just compared me to Bogart.

 **Resident B:** I have you seen _Key Largo_ yet?

 **Resident A:** Oh man, I love _Key Largo._

 **Resident B:** I keep meaning to ask you what growing up in New York was like?

 **Resident A:** Noisy, crowded, and dirty. I miss it everyday. The city’s not the same anymore. There’s too much money in it now, it’s killing all the character.

 **Resident B:** Says the guy in the million dollar DC apartment?

 **Resident A:** Hey, now, local boy made good. I’m not ashamed of it.

 **Resident B:** Made good?

 **Resident A:**  It’s a fun story.

 **Resident B:** Tellllllllllllll meeeeeeee

 **Resident A:** There were federal rewards for a few HYDRA operatives who blew when Pierce was caught. Clean STRIKE teams caught most of them in the first few weeks. But one guy disappeared, everyone thought he’d gone underground in Brazil. But the Brazilians wouldn’t give SHIELD jurisdiction, even when the WSC begged. So, I just happened to take a vacation there when Fury said everybody had to use some vacation days. It was fun for me.

 **Resident B:** They let you keep the reward?

 **Resident A:** Well, that was the thing: since none of us could operate there officially with SHIELD, I was technically a civilian having a cup of coffee when I spotted a fugitive in a restaurant. It’s an interesting loophole they’ve since closed in the SHIELD reward rules. I have to give Fury credit though, he made sure I got it when the rules required it.

 **Resident B:** You are sneaky! I didn’t know you’d be sneaky. Can you do that?

 **Resident A:** I wasn’t above using a little trickery to catch HYDRA guys. Anyway, this was personal. This was the guy who was running HYDRA’s science and medical experiments.

 **Resident B:** Oh. So, a monster.

 **Resident A:** Yes.

 **Resident B:** Where are the Maximoff twins now? I heard about them from Tony when SHIELD asked for his help in evaluating their powers. He was more than a little pissed that Fury wanted them to work for SHIELD at the time. But nobody mentions them at Triskelion.

 **Resident A:** Somewhere safe.  We were all pretty furious at that idea, too. Whole team banded together to make sure they got to go to school instead of SHIELD. I was proud of everybody for coming together like that.

 **Resident A:** How’d we get on something this heavy? I feel like I interrupted your Cinematherapy.

 **Resident B:** You did not. Audrey is dancing with Fred. The swans are very calming.

 **Resident B:** Have you seen Hitchcock’s silent version of _The Lodger_ yet? With Ivor Novello?

 **Resident A:** No. Should I?

 **Resident B:** Yes. ASAP. It’s so good. The opening sequence is incredible.

 

***

She was getting ready for work one morning--her second Monday at SHIELD--when a note from him popped up on-screen.

 

 **Resident A:** B, you like food right?

 **Resident B:** Am I breathing?

 **Resident A:** There’s this Emporiyum thing at Union Market. It’s good. Food market that you and Foster and Thor might like to go to between the 10th-12th. [link]

 **Resident B:** If you’re back, you could go with us?

 **Resident A:** I probably won’t be. Expecting another week and a half in the field. Have to miss.

 **Resident B:** Booooooo. How many baddies did you catch today?

 **Resident A:** I catch one, two more appear. I hope they slow down at Christmas, maybe we can see some lights together.

 **Resident B:** Their moms will be mad if they don’t come home. Obviously.

 **Resident A:** I would be skeptical, but a surprising number of these guys we apprehend *do* seem to still be afraid of their mothers.

 **Resident B:** Really?

 **Resident A:** I shouldn’t divulge classified information….

 **Resident B:** C’mon, a secret’s no fun unless you tell somebody!

 **Resident A:** Half the time, Romanoff gets these guys to break by putting on photostatic veils as their moms. The rest of the time, she just uses her face.

 **Resident B:** Oh! I forgot to tell you. The SHIELD gossip mill thinks I’m staying with her. They heard I was staying with a VIP (HR leak based on Fury’s paperwork?) and now that’s going around. I just look cryptic whenever someone asks and tell them to call me “Boris.”

 **Resident A:** That place is full-on crazy with gossip. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. And I was in the military.

 **Resident B:** Were you? I didn’t know, that’s not like the most salient fact in your bio [wink emoji]

 **Resident A:** Who let you see my bio?

 **Resident B:** Who says someone let me? [shrug emoji]

 **Resident A:** You hacked it, didn’t you?

 **Resident A:** Just like the DMV in NM….

 **Resident B:** How’d you know about that?!

 **Resident A:** You think I didn’t ask for your SHIELD file before you moved in? [wink emoji]

 **Resident B:** What does it say?

 **Resident A:** Terrible rule-breaker that Coulson is secretly fond of, surprisingly good GPA and credit score, considering life circumstances.

 **Resident B:** I miss Agent iPod Thief. I still haven’t stopped crying about that. Thor won’t let me near Loki for his own protection.

 **Resident A:** Well, sweetheart…

 **Resident B:** What?

 **Resident A:** Nevermind. I shouldn’t.

 **Resident B:** What? Tellllllllllll meeeeeeeeeee

 **Resident A:** Phil’s alive. No reason for crying.

 **Resident B:** WHAT?

 **Resident A:**  They were able to revive him, used his ‘death’ to their advantage. He runs a special ops program now. Off the grid. Crazy stuff. Ran into him last year in Phoenix during a hostage extraction. Or was it Santa Barbara?

 **Resident B:** Oh my God. OH MY GOD. Ohmygodddddd. If you see him, give him a big hug for me?

 **Resident A:** Oh, sure, he’ll love that.

 **Resident B:** He would if you tell him it’s from me. I knew about the secretly fond thing. It was pretty obvious. My rule-breaking makes very organized people love me, in a weird way. Oh my God, I feel like I could cry from being happy. I’m so glad he’s alive. Isn’t amazing how people keep coming back like that?

 **Resident B:** I have to go. I’m going to miss my train & be late. I’m having Jane and Thor over tomorrow, too. That’s not a big deal, is it? But, uh--nevermind, not the right time…

 **Resident A:** No, not a big deal at all. Are you that upset? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.

 **Resident B:** No, no. I was just thinking that sometime you, uh, could, you know, call me on the phone?

 **Resident A:** I could. [wink emoji]

 

***

“Ugh, Jane, he’s killing me,” Darcy said, showing her the texts in the lab. She really wanted to know what Captain America sounded like when he wasn’t doing high school PSAs.

“Whoa,” Jane said. “When did this happen?”

“Um, I don’t know, we spent two hours texting about music and books, and New York, and traveling a couple of nights ago. He wanted to know what music I liked, I asked him what it was like to grow up in a big city. Things just got a little….flirtatious?” Darcy said. “I swear, I didn’t start it! He made a funny joke about being too old for me. I still don’t even know what A looks like.” They were using the initial at work, so no one would be tipped off.

“Neither do I,” Jane said. “The mask, you know?” she whispered. “But Thor knows…” Jane grinned.

“I forgot!” Darcy said. “Will you ask him?”

“Duh,” Jane said. “I wanna see too. He can’t not be handsome. I’ve seen the PSAs. It’s a good jawline.”

“Nice eyes,” Darcy said, when she’d found them online.

“That mouth, too,” Jane said.

“I never noticed how sexy his mouth is before,” Darcy whispered. “Is that...unpatriotic of me?” She watched the detention PSA again on her phone. Jane started teasing her, she watched it so many times.

“So, you want to take your clothes off and jump Captain America now that you work at SHIELD? Is that a bad decision? Are you breaking a rule?” she joked, mimicking the PSA’s script, just as a woman passed by the lab. The woman laughed.

“Jane, shhh!” Darcy said.

“Oh, honey, you don’t think you’re the only one, do you? Ever since Cap got here, women and men have been going crazy. I’m Susan, I work one lab over,” she said, shaking Darcy’s hand. “One girl started showing up in period clothes! Child bought a WACs and WAVEs uniform!”

“Wax and waves?” Jane asked.

“WWII-era servicewomen,” Darcy supplied. “Hi, I’m Darcy Lewis,” she said.

“Jane Foster,” Jane said, “but I can’t shake…” She held up her hand.

“Inadvertent pen ink spill while sciencing,” Darcy explained. “Jane is a walking spill.”

“Am not,” Jane said.

“Yesterday, she spilled peanut butter. I didn’t even know you could do that,” Darcy said, as Susan laughed. “Sooooooo, have you seen Cap? We haven’t, we’re dying to meet him. What does he look like?” It wasn’t a lie, Darcy thought. Perfectly good cover for Roomie A.

“Oh, Lawd, that man is so handsome. And nice. He’s actually nice. If I wasn’t a happily married woman, I’d be chasing him, too. Get to that Smithsonian exhibit to see his real face. You might actually have a chance!” she said, laughing.

“I might?” Darcy said.

“Haven’t you ever seen pictures of  Peggy Carter when she was young? Get yourself some red lipstick and plant yourself in his line of sight, hon,” she said.

 

When Susan left, Darcy turned to Jane. “Don’t we get a museum discount as federal employees or something?” she said. “You feel like going to a museum with me after work?’

“I’m game,” Jane said. “I think the Smithsonian is actually free, too. I’m curious about Barnes, too. Isn’t he supposed to be here at SHIELD now?”

“Allegedly, Donna in the cafeteria told me that he’s working with STRIKE Alpha and he’s very cute and little kids like his metal arm but he avoids hanging around and socializing,” Darcy said. “He’s still shy. Has Thor met him yet?”

“Nope, he was still in recovery when Thor saw Steve last,” Jane said. Bucky Barnes--Steve’s childhood friend who’d been presumed dead during the war--had been found alive in a cryo tank by some SHIELD agents doing triple agent work infiltrating a HYDRA cell. Darcy didn’t know the whole story, but Alexander Pierce and a bunch of high-ranking SHIELD folks and other public figures had been quietly carted off to a supermax prison before their planned coup of SHIELD had been staged. It had happened two years ago, but Darcy and Jane had found out because of their friendship with Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. It turned out that Barnes had been brainwashed and turned into an assassin in the decades since he’d been MIA; he’d killed Howard and Maria Stark in the 1990s. The whole thing seemed both ironic and deeply tragic to her, especially since the Starks had known him during the 1940s. At least Howard had.  Darcy knew it had been difficult on Tony. For a little while, he’d declared war on SHIELD and proceeded to crash their computer systems with recordings of himself and AC/DC music, but Pepper had brokered a meeting between him and Barnes and a team of therapists. Rhodey had also been involved, Darcy suspected. Tony had improved enough that he’d given Darcy and Jane his blessing to work in DC. However, Tony had also taken Darcy aside and made her promise to call him if anything seemed the slightest bit hinky. Tony had given them both SI tracking jewelry pieces that were waterproof, impact-resistant, and inconspicuous. Jane had a vintage-look locket with the initial F, because she was always getting stuff on her hands and it would be more likely for her to wear family antiques with sentimental meaning than anything. Darcy had chosen a minimalistic silver necklace with an egg-shaped pendant to hide her nano-tracker; she genuinely loved it and called it Eggy.

 

***

After work, they headed over to the Steve exhibit. “Wow,” Jane said, when they finally got to a photo of Steve sans face mask.

“Double wow,” Darcy said. She realized she was actually slack-jawed. He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen.

”I can’t believe A is your roommate,” Jane said.   _A was her roommate. A was her roommate. She’d been flirting with A by text._

“Yeah,” Darcy said, feeling suddenly woozy.

“Darce, you okay?” Jane said.

“Umm, I think I could handle this better before I knew what he looked like,” Darcy said, experiencing a wave of nervous anxiety. “How will I talk to him now?”

“What?” Jane said. “C’mon, you talk to Thor all the time. Yesterday, you two did office chair races in the lab.”

“Uhhhh, I need a minute,” Darcy said, stumbling away from the beaming, blonde, perfect--stupidly, stupidly perfect--face of one Steven Grant Rogers. She was gonna puke just from sheer nervousness.

 

Jane found her a few minutes later, watching a black and white newsreel. “He even looks amazing in regular old guy clothes,” Jane said. “Look at those high pants the men used to wear.”

“Uh-huh,” Darcy said thickly. She could not get away from gorgeous Steve at the Steve exhibit, as it happened.

“Helllloooo,” Jane drawled, when the camera showed Bucky Barnes. “You know, pre-Thor, he would have been totally my type. Don’t tell Thor, though. That face, those eyes.” She sighed.

“I won’t,” Darcy said. She looked at the guy standing next to gorgeous Steve in the newsreel. Her heart rate calmed down when she looked at Bucky Barnes. He was handsome, too, but in a soft way that made her feel...different. Not panicky. Bucky looked tired, she thought. Weary. He had sad eyes. And that had been before he’d spent decades in cryo. No wonder Steve had broken the rules to go to Brazil and catch the guy who’d kept him cryo.

“We’ll probably get to meet him, since A is your roommate,” Jane said softly.   _A was her roommate. A was her roommate. She’d been flirting with A by text._ “Darcy, honey,” Jane said, grabbing her as she swayed. “Are you sick? What’s wrong?”

“I feel a little dizzy,” Darcy said. “Can we find somewhere to sit?” Jane took her into the darkened room where they were showing a short film and Darcy put her head between her knees. As she was doing deep breaths, like they’d learned in a weird Norwegian hot yoga class, she heard a woman with a crisp British accent speak from the screen.

“He saved over a thousand men….”

Darcy looked up and froze when she saw the name at the bottom. Her eyes jumped to the woman’s face. Peggy Carter was a pale brunette who wore red lipstick. She was beautiful. Once they’d finished watching Peggy talk, she and Jane walked out of the little theater. “Darce, what’s wrong?” Jane asked again.

“I’m, uh, I’m nervous,” Darcy said.

“Since when does someone being famous make you nervous?” Jane said.

“That’s--it’s just that he’s too good looking, Jane,” Darcy said in a panicked voice.

“You talk to Thor,” Jane repeated.

“Exactly. I can only talk to men that good-looking when they’re in love with you!” Darcy said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's egg-shaped tracker from Tony looks like this in my head: https://www.sophiebuhai.com/collections/best-sellers/products/tiny-egg-pendant


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Unbreakable Vow of Library Science

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for your comments and kudos.

All the next day, Jane tried to reassure Darcy that there was no need to panic. Except she had to do it in code, so she kept saying random things like, “Darce, your sandwiches are wonderful sandwiches! Such clever flavors! Anyone would love to have them. They’re pretty!” What she meant was that Darcy was wonderful and clever and pretty, of course.

 

People passing by started asking if they had food in the lab.

 

So, Darcy went down to get some sandwich trays from a deli. It gave her time to think. She couldn’t understand why finding out Steve was stunningly handsome had her so unmoored and weird-feeling. Was she insecure? She didn’t feel insecure, 95% of the time. So, what was up with her? She couldn’t sort it out, so she returned with the sandwiches. In the elevator, she ran into one of the SHIELD archivists.

“Hi, Owen!” Darcy said. Owen Castillo was an adorably nerdy sort of librarian. He reminded Darcy of the cute, glasses-sporting lead from _The OC._ Totally Darcy’s usual type. What was that guy’s name? Seth. It was Seth, her brain supplied. She attracted nerds, normally. Not, uh, buff and square-jawed Captain Americas.

“Hey, Darcy! Those journals good for Dr. Foster?” he asked. She’d popped into the archives to check out science journals for Jane right after their first SHIELD orientation. Darcy believed in taking advantage of resources. Which gave her an idea.

“Yeah, she’s hogging them, I think? I need to check the account,” Darcy said. Darcy was in charge of the library accounts (and the bank accounts) wherever they went. “Jane, uh, tends to forget things, you know? But I wondered if that interlibrary loan program that you mentioned works for DVDs or film reels?”

“DVDs definitely. Film reels probably. What do you need?” Owen asked.

“Hitchcock’s original version of _The Lodger_ ? The silent version with Ivor Novello,” Darcy told him. Then she talked up _The Lodger_ so much that Owen wanted to see it, too.

“Why don’t we do a SHIELD employee screening?” he offered. “I have the authority,” he said in a joking voice.

“That sounds cool, as long as it doesn’t impact your budget?” Darcy said.

“Nah, we can swing it,” he said. Before she got off the elevator, he’d volunteered to get her access to the library’s projection room upstairs and Darcy had given him several sandwiches. “I’ll fill in the electronic item request forms when I get back to the lab,” Darcy told him happily. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Seth Cohen and also that you’re an amazing librarian?”

“No, but thank you,” he said, grinning. “High point of my week so far.”

“Just wait until you actually watch _The Lodger_ ,” she told him. “That’ll be the high point of that week, I promise.”

 

“Why are you smiling?” Jane asked, when she sailed in with the food. “Is A back?”

“Nope, but I’ve convinced the archivist to get me a silent movie. He wants to do a screening in their projection room and invite all the SHIELD employees,” Darcy said.

“Oh, no,” Jane said. “You’ve sweet-talked the librarians again…”

“Just because I brought brownies to the Circ desk at Culver--” Darcy began.

“And sweet-talked the archivists in Norway and Finland with homemade cheesecake,” Jane said. “So, that they’d get you all the books, movies, and music you’d like. It’ll be you dragging me out of the lab to watch that awful _La Belle et La Bête_ all over again.” Jane’s voice was mournful.

“Lots of people like Cocteau, okay?” Darcy said defensively. “It’s a classic.”

“I just cannot take any more black & white movies,” Jane said, sighing.

“A likes them,” Darcy said proudly.

“Well, of course _he_ does,” Jane said. “I can’t believe this is happening again. I blame _Buffy._ ”

“What?” Darcy said.

“The roots of your emotional attachment to librarians stems from childhood exposure to Giles on _Buffy_ ,” Jane said.

“Jane, librarians are a precious resource. A precious resource. I’m taking back your sammies,”  Darcy threatened.

“Not my sandwiches!” Jane said.

“Apologize, Jane,” Darcy said. “You know the drill.”

“I don’t have a copy of _The Mummy,_ ” Jane said.

“Technicality. Here, use this book instead. Evie will understand,” Darcy said.

“I swear in the name of Evie Carnahan not to disrespect the profession of library science in all its various forms. Should I break this vow, may my books be overdue, may the journals I want be checked out, and the nearest library copiers all broken,” Jane said grimly. “This is stupid.”

“Shhh! That violates the terms of the vow,” Darcy said. “Now, here’s your sandwich. Eat. I got you extra veggies.”

Jane groaned. “Not extra freaking veggies,” she said. “Sometimes you are really annoying.”

“Pfffht, you’d totally be dead without me, Genius Brain,” Darcy said. Then she went to check emails and do the interlibrary loan request online. But all she could think about was Steve.

 

***

Darcy was still thinking about Steve when she got home to cook dinner for Thor and Jane in the apartment. She unpacked her groceries and went out to the balcony to look at the sun setting. She didn’t need to start dinner for a bit, anyway. Was she insecure? It wasn’t that she didn’t like herself. She’d always liked herself. Maybe too much. She wasn’t crazily ambitious and driven, like Jane. She liked what she liked, pursued things she cared about (books, history, politics, soap operas) and avoided things she didn’t (math, mostly). Maybe she floated a little. She’d stayed with Jane because she enjoyed it--and she’d never felt the need to switch when something worked. When she found a groove, Darcy stuck with things. Did that make her a slacker?  She knew it was that aspect of her personality that made her able to balance out Jane during her Science! Binges and stuff. Jane needed Darcy’s chill when she panicked. What did Steve need, she wondered? Peggy Carter 2.0? Darcy had a feeling she was not Peggy 2.0, even if she had tased Thor. Which, by the way, she should mention, in case Steve was into that kind of thing. It was difficult to know what their relationship had been like when people from back then were so circumspect about what their relationships actually were. You didn’t even know if people had slept together, much less talk about emotional stuff. “Thank God for Oprah,” Darcy told the sunset, “she made us all talk about our feels.”

 

Just then, Darcy’s phone rang. She went inside. “Hello?” she said.

“Hi,” a male voice said. A pleasant male voice. Warm. Soft.

“Can I help you?” Darcy said.

“Maybe you can help me talk to my new roommate? About 5’3, dark hair, real pretty?” he said. Darcy almost dropped her phone. It was Steve.

“You think I’m pretty?” she said. _Steve--Captain America!--thought she was pretty._ He laughed.

“I’ve seen your SHIELD file, B. Haven’t you seen yourself? Did somebody take the mirrors outta the apartment?” he asked cheerfully. His accent was stronger than in the PSAs, she noticed. She liked that voice.

“Listen to you, sounding all New York,” she told him. “Flirting up a storm?”

“That’s right, sweetheart,” he said. “Whatcha up to tonight?”

“I’m cooking,” Darcy said. “I’m putting you on speaker so I can chop things.”

“You cook?” he said. “There are good knives in the drawer next to the sink.”

“You sound happy,” she said, retrieving onions from the fridge. “Where are your cutting boards?”

“Next to the dishwasher,” he said. “Is this for a date? Do I have some competition?”

“Nope, I’m feeding Jane and Thor. Which means I need to cut a bajillion onions.”

“Ah,” he said. “I hear he likes to eat.”

“Uh-huh,” Darcy said. When she started cutting, he sighed. “What?” she said.

“That’s a pleasant sound,” he said.

“You like the sound of knives?” she asked, incredulous.

“It’s more the domestic aspect, the sound of somebody cooking,” he said quietly. That voice was a low rumble. He chuckled. “A knife’s never my first choice as a weapon, by the way.” He must mean his shield, she thought. His shield was his primary weapon. According to office gossip, he didn’t like to shoot people, either.

“You miss domesticity?” she asked softly.

“Haven’t had anyone to come home to in a long time,” he said. There was a moment of freighted silence. He cleared his throat. “Sorry,” he said.

“Don’t apologize,” she said. “You’ve been through a lot recently.”

“I’m making things heavy,” he said. “Bad habit.”

“It’s not the worst habit,” she said. “I can imagine worse habits, roomie.”

“Well, you should know that living alone’s not all that great,” he said warmly.

“You know who says that? People who can afford to live alone,” she teased back.

“True enough. Listen, I don’t want to make this weird, put too much pressure on you, but. …” he trailed off.

“What?” she said, pausing with her onion.

“Do you feel this, too? The chemistry between us?” he asked.

“Yeah, I do,” she said. “You’re easy to talk to, though.”

“Trust me, talking to people is not normally this easy for me,” he said.

“It’s not?” Darcy said, surprised.

“No,” he said.

“You are such a liar,” Darcy teased. “I talked to Susan in the labs recently and according to her, women chase you everywhere.”

“Which Susan is this now?” he said.

“I’m not sure,” she said. “But I’ve seen your face in photos now, too, so I know it’s true.”

“What’s that mean?” he asked.

“You’re intimidatingly handsome,” she admitted. “I freaked out a little.”

“You shouldn’t tell me that,” he said warmly. There was a seductive note in his voice.

“Why?” Darcy asked.

“Now that I know you think I’m attractive, I’m gonna turn that to my advantage whenever I can, sweetheart,” he said. “Bat my eyelashes, really flirt, generally make it impossible for you to ignore me.”

“Oh, yeah?” she said.

“Fair warning,” he said. “It’ll be a workplace challenge for you. What else happened today, besides you finding out I’m handsome?” he asked in a teasing voice.

“Well, I have successfully befriended SHIELD’s archival staff, so Owen Castillo is going to show us _The Lodger_ at work when they can get it. He volunteered to host a SHIELD employee screening,” Darcy said, sliding her onions off the cutting board and into a pot with a glug of olive oil. They sizzled.

“Is that something you do?” he asked. “Befriend archivists?”

“Yes, it’s my thing, totally drives Jane crazy. I’m just sad we’ll have to pretend not to know each other at any and all SHIELD-hosted movies,” she said. “But it’s really worth it to see things on a big screen. Of course, Owen can check DVDs out to me afterwards and we can watch them at home.”

“I’d like that,” he said.

“What else would you like to do when you get back?” she asked.

“You can’t seriously expect me to answer that, sweetheart,” he said.

“Oooooh,” she said. “Did anybody just hear that?”

“No, but I have to go. I’ll see you soon, okay?” he said.

 

***

Jane and Thor both loved the new apartment. Thor was thrilled by the river view, so they sat outside after dinner and talked. “It reminds me of a river on Asgard. The Arna? Have you heard of it?” he asked. Darcy shook her head. She’d been to Asgard once. “A pleasant and fine view. It’s a pity that Midgardian boats do not fly,” Thor said.

“Are you going to do missions with STRIKE and Steve when they get back?” Darcy asked. Thor was alternating between Asgard and DC these days. Mostly DC.

“Nick of the Furies has requested it,” Thor said, “so, perhaps I will, but mostly I would like to stay with Jane. My father is ruling Asgard at present.” Jane beamed. Darcy knew this had been a sore point. Odin wanted Thor to dump Jane, marry that scowly Sif warrior chick, and rule Asgard, but Thor had finally put his foot down, resoundingly. There had been an as Asgard-sized row. Of course, Odin fumed and threatened, but with his other son a jailbird and Thor having zero interest in the throne, with or without Loki as a rival candidate, Odin was all out of leverage. This delighted Darcy. She thought Odin was about 5,000 years of self-serving asshole , but she wasn’t gonna tell Thor that. Thor was a sweetie. So, they talked about SHIELD and science and Steve, instead.

 

Darcy had had a realization after her phone call with Steve this afternoon: if what he needed was a home and someone to keep him from being lonely, she could totally swing it. There was nothing to be scared of at all. It was practically her primary job duty. She’d made homes everywhere from New Mexico to the Arctic Circle for Jane. Truth be told, even on a mission Steve seemed a lot more laid back than Jane on a portal-making binge, so it might actually be easier to be Steve’s girlfriend than Jane’s assistant. Which was bonkers. But she was going to try. She could actually be really zen when she thought about it as “like work, but only a hot guy you get to see naked.”

 

Even Jane noticed that her nervousness had disappeared. They were sampling caramel popcorn (Darcy) and granola (Jane) at the Emporiyum event Steve had recommended at Union Market, when Jane brought it up. “You’re not freaking out anymore,” she said.

“Nope,” Darcy said. “He misses having a home, Jane. He doesn’t like living alone, either.”

“And that’s...comforting?” Jane asked, frowning.

“Ahh, I’m not a sociopath! No, it’s not comforting, it’s just...look at what I do. I keep you sane and balanced and fed and stuff,” Darcy said.

“Uh-huh,” Jane said.

“Well, it sounds like that’s what he misses. The idea that there’s someone who has his back, someone he can count on. Which makes perfect sense, when you think about it,” Darcy said. “He hasn’t had a family in a long time.”

“Yeah,” Jane said, thoughtfully. “So, it’s like all my Science! Meltdowns have prepared you to snap up the hottest man in America?” She grinned. “You know that means you can’t complain that I’m too much to deal with, right?”

“Ugh, Genius Brain,” Darcy said. Ahead of them, Thor waved. He’d found a cake vendor. Thor loved cake.

“My ladies! Come and sample the bread of the ginger!” he boomed. Several people turned to stare.

“He’s so cute,” Jane said, sighing. Darcy giggled.

 

When Darcy got home that night, the doorman had a delivery for her: a dozen red roses. There was a note:

 

_Sorry I missed Union Market. Hope you all had fun. Save me a spot for the next one. --A_

 

 **Resident B:** You’re sending me flowers now?

 **Resident B:** I love them, by the way. They’re so fancy.

 **Resident A:** Of course. I’m a traditional guy.

 **Resident B:** “Traditional” = adorably old?

 **Resident A:** This is how men were before the internet ruined us, sweetheart. There was none of this swipe right hookup business. I feel bad for women in your generation.

 **Resident B:** What? You feel bad?

 **Resident A:** No romance. It’s depressing. Where’s the fun in that?

 **Resident B:** So, I can expect flowers?

 **Resident B:** Also, will you win me a teddy bear at the next fair or something?

 **Resident A:**  Keep being sarcastic, I’ve done that. Been to Coney Island, too.

 **Resident B:** Oh em gee, I’ve always wanted to go to Coney Island.

 **Resident A:** This we can do, sweetheart.

 **Resident B:** Seriously?

 **Resident A:** It would be fun to go back. Haven’t been in, well, decades.

 

***

The next week passed quickly. Owen emailed to say he had a DVD version of _The Lodger._ There had been a Criterion reissue. “Yay!” Darcy announced to Jane in the lab. She adored the Criterion people, whoever they were. It meant the movie wasn't difficult to get all.

“What? Is something on fire?” Jane said absently. She was deep in Science! Mode.

“Nope, we have Hitchcock. SHIELD screening is scheduled for Thursday night,” Darcy said happily. “Owen has circulated an email.”

“Oh boy,” Jane said dryly. “Will we be able to find seats at the silent movie?”

“Shut up, Genius Brain. I’m co-running the popcorn cooker. If A can make it, I might do candy apples, too.”

“Seriously?” Jane said.

“Why not? You say that like it’s difficult. Melt caramel, dip apples, how hard could it be?” Darcy said.

“He’s turned you into the Rosie the Riveter of food,” Jane said, sounding slightly horrified.

“Thor says he likes food, besides, it’s November, that’s practically the holidays. It’s homey,” Darcy said.

“I don’t even know you anymore,” Jane said.

“Excuse me, who made you American-style Chinese food from almost-scratch in a Norwegian ice storm because you were sad?” Darcy said.

“You?” Jane said.

“That’s right. This girl. I’ve totally got this,” Darcy said.

“I have this fear that you’ll set fire to the fancy kitchen,” Jane said.

“The fire thing is all you, Janey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can watch The Lodger (1927) online, although I do not think the soundtrack is the original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qFiw5VtmyI
> 
>    
> Someone asked about Steve merchandise and what Darcy knows, re: Steve, on a previous chapter, so I'm pasting my reply to them here, too. 
> 
> I imagine that in this world, the following things are true:
> 
> 1.) SHIELD squelched the HYDRA rebellion early using triple agents; SHIELD survived intact and Bucky's fate (and subsequent HYDRA-related events, like busting that base in Sokovia & the Maximoffs) and the true extent of HYDRA's infiltration are shrouded in mystery/secrecy. Fury would want that kept need-to-know, so Darcy is in the dark about most of it. She hears bits and pieces from Tony, Thor, etc. but she and Jane aren't in the main loop.
> 
> 2.) Jack Rollins and his Aussie accent have just transferred in from Perth because they've carted the real HYDRA moles off to SuperMax prisons and need to rebuild the teams with clean agents. Fury looked at someone and said, "I don't care where you go, just get me somebody clean, goddammit. I don't care if you go to Australia!"
> 
> 3.) There is lots of ongoing Steve merchandise with the mask and the suit dating back to the 1940s and through her childhood, but Darcy's only real previous exposure to his actual face was probably little black & whites in her history textbooks. She's getting her first big look at his real face. Similarly, she has *ideas* about Peggy that are informed by the Agent Carter of SHIELD myth and media, not really Peggy as a person. She thinks Peggy was a literal WWII ninja superspy who turned into a sophisticated semi-CEO at SHIELD. Darcy has no idea that Peggy and Steve's relationship dynamic sometimes included Peggy cutting Steve down to size or lifting him up, depending upon occasion. She sort of imagines them as having a perfect, doomed romance, like Casablanca with more ice, because that's how it's been portrayed in the media during her lifetime.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone at SHIELD knows where to catch Steve at the end of a mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your kudos, comments, and Resident A guesses!

It turned out Darcy had confused caramel apples (easier) with candy apples (needs thermometer, complicated) when she went to google recipes. So she switched over to caramel ones. Less like eating sugar glass, really. She called Owen to ask if adding pecans and chocolate swirls was a workplace allergy violation. “I don’t want to kill somebody,” Darcy told him. She had him on speaker as she dipped apples.

“I don’t think so?” Owen said. “But maybe skip the pecans?”

“We’ll always have chocolate,” Darcy said to the apples. Owen laughed. Just then, she got another call. “Hold on, Owen,” Darcy said, clicking over. “Hello?”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Steve’s warm voice said in her ear.

“Hiiiiii,” Darcy said, barely resisting the urge to melt into a puddle. She was totally feeling all caramel-gooey when they talked now. The man had a good voice. She was one half-priced margarita night from some sort of drunk-dial dirty talk scenario, honestly. That was gonna be embarrassing. But she didn’t see anyway around it if he stayed gone.

“I’ve got news,” he said.

“Good news?” she asked.

“We’ll be back Thursday afternoon. I’ll be at your movie,” he said. “Then we can have dinner?”

“That sounds good,” Darcy said, her heart racing. “Really good. But we’ll still need to pretend not to know each other?”

“Yeah,” he said. “At least for a little while.”

“What does that mean?” Darcy said. “Don’t confuse me when I’m making caramel apples.”

“You’re making caramel apples?” he said, sounding baffled.

“For the movie,” she said. “Also, to impress you and whatnot.”

“I have this feeling that it’s going to be difficult for me to keep my hands off you and your caramel apples, honey,” he teased. “Eventually, somebody’s gonna catch us.”

“Who would do that?” Darcy said.

“Probably Natasha Romanoff,” he said, chuckling.

“Oh em gee, yes,” Darcy said. “I met her at Tony’s once. I felt like she knew what color underwear I had on.” He laughed and didn’t stop laughing until after she’d switched over and told Owen she’d see him at work and how delighted she was.

 

Before the screening of _The Lodger_ , Darcy had learned several key things:

    1. Steve was coming home on Thursday!
    2. __Steve was coming home on Thursday!__
    3. Candy apples weren’t that easy to make.
    4. It was going to be really difficult not to grin like at an idiot whenever Steve was around at work.
    5. Jane messaged her at home to say that Susan said that Renee in HR had said everyone grinned like an idiot at Steve anyway, even SHIELD’s in-house therapy labrador, Nick Charles, so Darcy would probably be fine.



 

“SHIELD has an in-house therapy lab? Why did no one tell me?” Darcy asked Jane when she came in on Thursday morning. “And who named him after _The Thin Man_?” She was carrying multiple aluminium trays of caramel apples. She had unpopped popcorn in her bag, too. Owen was bringing the machine, the salt, and the butter, bless him.

“The who?” Jane said distractedly.

 _“The Thin Man_ movies with William Powell. I make you watch them on Christmas, Janey. Asta the dog?” Darcy said.

“Oh, those, yeah, I remember now,” Jane said, not looking up from her readings. “I don’t know…”

“Well, I’m going to find the puppy, okay?” Darcy said. “Do you want to come?”

“Two creams, one sugar, please,” Jane murmured at a screen. Darcy laughed.

“Okay, I’ll look for the flatfoot after I get you some coffee,” Darcy said. She got Jane some coffee, then got distracted by questions from some people about the movie that night. Cue enthusiastic convincing of various SHIELD employees that, no, silent films weren’t too intimidating and she and Owen would have popcorn and everything. Owen had made flyers, so she gave some out. She’d also stopped to reapply her red lipstick. Any potential Steve homecoming called for lipstick, vanilla perfume, and an outfit that showed off the girls, even if they were pretending not to know each other tonight. That, plus some office paperwork, put her behind schedule for finding Nick Charles the therapy dog. She was going to the SHIELD therapy office when she heard people talking excitedly.

“Steve’s back! Quinjet with him and Romanoff and STRIKE Alpha just landed a minute ago,” one of the employees said. It was Jim from accounting. Darcy’s face must’ve given her away, because the woman next to Jim grinned at her.

“You know Steve through Thor, right?” she asked. “Jim, this is Darcy Lewis. She’s Dr. Foster’s assistant.”

“Actually, no. I’ve heard a lot about Steve. But I haven’t met him in person yet. And, uh,” Darcy said, grinning, “I didn’t even know he was really good-looking until Jane and I went to the Smithsonian.” All true, she thought.

“Do you want to go ambush him with me and Karen?” Jim said.

“Uh, yes. Totally. Lead the way,” she said. “Where are we ambushing?”

“They land the quinjet on one of the other buildings in the complex and then the team comes up through the small atrium. It’s a great place for Cap watch,” Jim explained. “People stop him for autographs and stuff. They keep talking about making him go a more private way instead, but Steve’s so nice, he doesn’t mind signing stuff. I’ve gotten him to sign gifts for all my nieces and nephews.”

“Cool,” Darcy said.

“Where were you going, anyway?” Karen asked her. “I thought Foster’s lab was higher up?”

“I was sneaking out to see if I could pet the therapy dog. Do you know who named him?” Darcy asked. Karen laughed.

“I don’t know, but Gina the therapist takes him outside at lunch everyday for a walk,” Karen said.

“If I get to see Captain America and pet a dog and see a movie, this is gonna be the best day,” Darcy said. Then she explained about their showing of _The Lodger_ and gave them flyers. She had a stack in her messenger bag. Despite their dubious expressions, Darcy made sure to emphasize that it was a really good movie if you liked Hitchcock.

 

They left the elevator. “We’ve got to go around to the opposite elevator to get out at the atrium floor,” Karen told her. “This building is weirdly shaped.”

“It’s just weird symbolism,” Jim said. “Triskelions? The most famous mythological one is Medusa. Snakes and everything.”

“I hate snakes,” Darcy said, shuddering.

“That’s a good Indiana Jones,” Karen said.

“Him _and_ me,” Darcy said. “For realz. Jane almost tripped over a rattlesnake in New Mexico once because she was focused on her science doohickey readings and that’s when I started having to dye my hair to cover the gray, you know?” Jim laughed.

The small atrium was like the larger lobby one, but round. They were trying to hustle towards the elevator on the other side of the circle, when Jim spoke. “Too late,” he said sadly. Darcy looked down over the side of the railing to the ground floor below them. A phalanx of men were walking away from them towards the exit doors.

“We missed them,” Karen said. Darcy could see Steve at the front of the group. The glass ceiling made patterns in his blonde hair. He was walking next to Natasha Romanoff--her red hair was vivid in the sunbeams--and someone Darcy assumed was Bucky Barnes; he had a dark metal arm. Behind them were multiple STRIKE guys. Jack must’ve met them at the quinjet. He was at the back of the group, talking to a dark-haired STRIKE guy.

Darcy wasn’t sure what possessed her next. Maybe it was the spirit of Crazy Halloween Prank Darcy or Ian Kissing During That Elf Deal Darcy. She’d thought it was a good idea to keep this Darcy underwraps at SHIELD. But oh well. She leaned over the railing and whistled. Loudly. The entire group turned in one swift motion, like a marching band. “Oy, Jackie!” Darcy yelled--knowing full well that the angle of her lean over the railing meant the men below were getting an eyeful of cleavage--”I owe you a flyer, mate!” She waved the flyers in her hand as Jack jogged over. He’d asked about the movie by email, after all. She tossed a few down to him, grinning.

“Where’d you learn to whistle like that, darl?” Jack asked.

“Lauren Bacall taught me!” Darcy called down cheerfully. “Invite all your friends, too! It’s at 7pm tonight.”

 

“Who’s that woman whistling at Jack?” one of the STRIKE guys asked. There was a moment of silence where no one replied.

“She is Darcy Lewis, the assistant to Dr. Jane Foster,” Natasha Romanoff said finally. She cut her eyes at the man on either side of her. “I am surprised that you don’t recognize her, Rogers. Or you, Barnes, since she’s in all of Thor’s vacation photos and Tony Stark includes her in his holiday cards, where she is listed as his Sister from Another Mister.” Bucky grinned at the last part.

“I didn’t know she was here,” Steve said in a quiet voice, his eyes trained on the woman leaning over the balcony and laughing with Jack. He and another man from STRIKE Alpha were picking up the flyers that had floated down from above.

“Me neither,” Bucky Barnes said. “Never met her or seen her before. Her or Foster, Natalya.”

“Uh-huh,” Nat said. “Would either of you like to?” Both of them made noncommittal noises.

“I’m very busy,” Steve said.

“My therapist says I need to keep a houseplant alive ‘fore I’m ready to date…” Bucky murmured in a low voice.

“Who’s Lauren Bacall?” one of the STRIKE guys asked, when Darcy called down to Jack.

“Old movie actress,” Natasha said, looking at Steve out of the corner of her eye. “Who talks about whistling in a film called _To Have and Have Not_.” She looked almost smug.

“What, Romanoff?” Steve said.

“You are aware that the line is she referencing is possibly the most notorious one in cinema directed at a man named Steve?” Natasha said.

“Must’ve missed that movie in cryo,” Bucky said. “Are you blushing, Punk?”

“Course not,” Steve said. “I’d just forgotten that line, that’s all.”

“Is it racy or something?” one of the STRIKE guys asked, raising an eyebrow.

“What?” Jack said, coming back to the group. He passed out the flyers.

“The Lauren Bacall whistle thing,” the one of the other STRIKE guys told him. “Is it racy?”

“Don’t know it,” Jack said. “Do you?” He looked at the man next to him.

“Yeah,” the man said. He grinned slowly. “Let’s find Cap a clip of Lauren Bacall telling Steve how to whistle, huh?” 

“Do you even have a houseplant? Who waters it?” Natasha asked Bucky as they walked away. The STRIKE guys were snickering at the clip one of them had pulled up on his phone and eyeing Steve significantly.

“I’m not telling you where I live, Natalya,” Bucky said. “You’d start showing up there with blind dates.”

“He won’t even tell me where he lives,” Steve said quietly. “Makes me meet him places. Me.”

“Because you warned me about Natalya’s compulsive matchmaking,” Bucky said.

“Are you still looking for a roommate, Rogers?” Nat asked. “Because Lisa in logistics…”

“Nope,” Steve said. “Decided against it. No need for you to worry.”

“I will never get either of you married,” Nat said, sounding miffed, before she dropped back to talk to one of the STRIKE guys.

“Why does she want to get y’all married?” another STRIKE guy said curiously. Bucky and Steve looked at each other, then Steve shrugged.

“No idea,” Steve said.

“Russian maternal instinct,” Bucky said.

“They got that in HYDRA?” the STRIKE guy said.

“Apparently,” Steve said with a grin.

 

“You know,” Karen told Darcy in the elevator, “they had to replace all the HYDRA moles on those teams, but every man associated with Alpha is hot as hell. Even now. That Jack Rollins. Jesus, take the wheel, I almost died when you whistled and he came running.”

“Uh-huh,” Jim said.

“Jim has a Sgt. Barnes thing,” Karen supplied helpfully.

“Is it the sad puppy eyes?” Darcy said.

“Yes,” Jim said, nodding.

“I thought it was the hot puppy thighs, myself,” Karen said. Darcy burst out laughing.

 

***

She was so nervous before the movie that she left Jane with Thor in the lab and went down to shoot the breeze with Owen a full twenty minutes before he’d asked her to be there. He was impressed by her caramel apples. “These look great,” he said, beaming. “You went all out.” He'd brought drinks (somehow, he'd gotten permission to serve cheap white wine in addition to soft drinks and water), other supplies, and the popcorn machine.

“Should we slice them?” Darcy asked. She’d brought a slicer. “I thought they’d transport better whole, but if a lot of people show up…”

“To a silent movie?” Owen said. “I figured we’d be lucky to get twenty people.”

“Owen, have a little faith in Hitch and your own awesomesauce event programming skills,” Darcy said. She knew that librarians were evaluated based on attendance at their events at most libraries. SHIELD might be the same. As if the universe had heard her prayers, a shadow darkened the doorway. It was most of the STRIKE guys and Bucky Barnes. “Hi!” Darcy said cheerfully. “We’re getting ready to start the popcorn.”

“Can we help you at all?” the guy at the front of the group asked. They were dressed casually, but Darcy noticed that the guy talking to her was still armed.

“Can you slice caramel apples?” Darcy asked. “I’ll need to go to the kitchen for knives…” Before she’d finished her sentence, several of them had pulled out a terrifying variety of sharp implements. Barnes had a particularly scary-looking knife in his freaking sleeve.

“Whoa,” Owen said.

“No shit,” Darcy said. “You’re wearing a peacoat, Jack! What else is in there?” The STRIKE guys all laughed, even Barnes, who gave Darcy a small smile. She needed to befriend him, she thought. He was Steve’s BFF. Where was Steve? It would look weird if she asked, right?

“We, uh, always travel armed,” one of the STRIKE guys said, grinning. They proceeded to put on gloves--they carried tactical gloves too, Darcy’s brain registered--and made short work of her trays and trays of caramel and caramel-chocolate apples. She got busy with the popcorn machine Owen had brought and soon had assistance there, too. These guys were really nice, Darcy thought. It was sort of a bummer that she couldn’t invite them to the apartment. She liked them. She caught Bucky Barnes’ eye as he made perfect apple slices and mouthed a thank you. He gave her another of those caramel-sweet smiles. How did he ever kill anybody, Darcy wondered. He had the face of a guy who put air in your tires and showed you chords on the guitar. Then she noticed the terrifying agility he had with knives. Maybe that was it?

“Grab me some salt shakers, too,” Darcy asked Owen when he left to get more things from the breakroom. They were making popcorn rapidly. “Like Nora Ephron, I believe in letting adults salt their own food,” she told the STRIKE guy helping her.

“Yeah?” he said.

“She has this hilarious essay bitching about how nice restaurants took away the individual shakers and now they put big chunks of sea salt on everything and you have to chase the one guy with the pepper grinder,” Darcy said, laughing.

“Oh man, man, you’re a _Nora Ephron_ essay,” the STRIKE guy said, pointing to another member of the team who was carefully slicing Darcy’s apples. She’d caught him earlier eating a slice--or several--when he thought nobody was looking. Jack had elbowed her and winked.

“What?” the Apple Thief said.

“Say the thing again,” the first guy said, so Darcy explained, while he laughed at his teammate. First guy finally pulled himself together to speak again. “That is too damn funny. We were in this restaurant in Alexandria after a mission and he complained _for an hour_ that there were no salt shakers. We were all damn exhausted and he’s ranting about salt.”

“I maintain that Europe is better ‘cause they let adults salt their own food,” Apple Thief said. “And the damn pepper grinder is a nightmare. Who likes big chunks of pepper?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong,” Darcy said. “I love me some big pepper. Fresh ground pepper is incredible. I put it on everything.”

“What, you’re a cacio e pepe addict?” Apple Thief asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Darcy said. “I love that and carbonara and arrabiata. But I put pepper on salads, vegetables, everything. Jane threatened to send me to lemon pepper rehab once, because we had lots of zucchini and I just lemon peppered the heck out of it. It’s my favorite.”

“That Trader Joe’s Everything Bagel stuff is pretty good, too,” Owen said.

“That’s true,” Apple Thief said.

“Yeah,” Darcy said, nodding. “I like that, too.”

“What don’t you like?” Jack teased.

“Don’t make me take your popcorn away, Kangaroo Jack,” Darcy threatened. The rest of the STRIKE team found that really funny. Especially Apple Thief.

“We’re gonna start calling you that, Rollins,” he said.

“I can’t believe you’re laughing at him, like you weren’t sneaking apple slices this whole time,” Darcy retorted. “Jack and I saw you.”

Apple Thief raised his arms in surrender. “Guilty as charged. They’re good apples. Where’d you buy ‘em?” he asked.

“I made them with these hands,” Darcy said, plopping down in an auditorium seat with some popcorn. She did a one-handed jazz hand thing and the guys laughed.

“Impressive,” Jack said, eating one. “You should sell these or something.”

“Very good,” Bucky said, nodding. He was so sweet, Darcy thought. She beamed at him.

They were all prepped, so people started finding seats. Owen had already put the DVD into the A/V system. They had still had twenty minutes ‘til start time because the STRIKE guys had done most of the work. Where was Steve? He must be with Jane and Thor, Darcy thought. He’s probably thought she’d still be in the lab.

“You guys like old movies?” Darcy asked.

“We watched part of that AFI list with Cap,” one of the STRIKE guys told Darcy. “To help him get some, uh, culture or whatever.”

“You did? That’s nice,” Darcy said, grinning like an idiot in spite of herself.

From behind Jack, Apple Thief spoke. “We should finish the list,” he said.

“Might be good for me,” Bucky said quietly. There was a trickle of more SHIELD employees filing in now, too.

“I could reserve you this room a couple of times a month?” Owen offered. Darcy thought he brightened up everytime a new person arrived.

“Sounds good, we’d just need to be able to cancel if we got called out,” Apple Thief said.

“Oh, yeah,” Owen said. “No prob.”

“So, this is Hitchcock?” Jack asked Darcy.

“Oh, yeah, early Hitchcock,” Darcy said. “It’s not literally his first film, but he called it his first film in terms of style and themes. Do you like Hitchcock?”

“Yeah,” Jack said.

“Who doesn’t?” Apple Thief said abruptly. He’d leaned forward a little.

“Some people,” Darcy said. It was weird. She liked needling this guy. It was the way he smirked or something. Maybe his actual face. He grinned at her.

“Idiots,” he said. “You seen _Suspicion_ , Lewis?”

“Oh em gee, it’s so good. Amazing, amazing good.” Darcy looked at Jack and Bucky. “Cary Grant plays an evil husband so well,” she explained.

“Hey, he isn’t evil,” Apple Thief said.

“The studio made Hitchcock change the ending! He’s totally a”--she stopped, looked at Jack and Bucky--”cover your ears, fellas, spoiler alert, a wife murderer in the book and original script,” Darcy said excitedly. “That’s the ending Grant and Hitchcock wanted.”

“No fucking way,” Apple Thief said.

“You know how Hitchcock made that glass of milk look so creepy?” Darcy said. He leaned forward a little.

“How?” Apple Thief said. Darcy thought he was showing actual interest, but he reached over her seat and stole one of her apple slices.

“Hey, rude!” Darcy said.

“Tell me about the milk glass?” Apple Thief said.

“Thief!” Darcy said, raising her hand in what she hoped was a menacing gesture. “Do you see this guy?” she said to Bucky and Jack. Bucky smiled sweetly and shook his head; Jack rolled his eyes.

“You can’t hit me, I’m a federal agent,” Apple Thief said, munching some popcorn. “So? Milk glass? What’s the story, kid?”

“He put a light bulb in the glass as a special effect, so it would glow,” Darcy said.

“Clever,” Apple Thief said. “I’m getting you more apples.” He brought her back a plateful.

“No, no, no, I can’t take all these! Save them for other people,” Darcy scolded.

“You made them,” Apple Thief said, as if that mattered.

“Creation isn’t nine-tenths of the law, Apple Thief,” she snarked, "you're thinking of possession."

"Is there a meaningful difference here?" he asked. They were still bickering about apple possession rights when Darcy glanced over and realized that Thor and Jane had arrived--with Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "You do know how to whistle?" scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30DSfAA0brs
> 
> The glass of milk in Suspicion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j43DaFDhggM


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lodger and the Russians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for your comments and kudos!

Steve, Thor and Jane had entered the room, followed by Natasha Romanoff. The group made a beeline for Darcy. “Hello,” Steve said, smiling at Darcy. She found herself grinning back like a fool.

“Hi,” Darcy said, her heart thudding. Did that sound like a drum to his serum-enhanced hearing?

“Punk, you missed slicing apples,” Bucky told him. “You went AWOL on us.”

“Grandpa skipped out on the work,” Apple Thief called jokingly. The STRIKE guys laughed.

“I thought everybody’d be working in the lab,” Steve said. “It took me and Thor forever to drag Jane away.”

“My brother the captain had to make many sad faces and pleas on your behalf,” Thor whispered to Darcy. “Jane did not want to watch the film without talking.”

“Awww,” Darcy whispered back. She gave Steve a soft look. He grinned at her. She realized Natasha was watching them with a little smile.

“Good evening, _milaya_ , “ Natasha said. “How are you? I am looking forward to your film. It is suspense, no?”

“Yup,” Darcy said. “I’m stoked. How have you been?”

“You know how it is,” Natasha said casually. “Everyday, a new terrorist. I have a new kind of Widow’s Bites with a sedative that I am very excited about.”

“Oh, yeah?” Darcy said. Just then, Owen flashed the lights.

“We’re going to start the film in a few minutes, so everyone come get some popcorn and apples!” he said cheerfully. He was pleased about the turnout, Darcy thought. She was pleased when Steve took the seat next to her after he got a giant tub of popcorn. Thor had brought supersized ones for he and Steve. Owen flicked off the lights.

 

Darcy was acutely conscious of Steve sitting beside her all during _The Lodger._ She tried not to look his way, but it was difficult. Every time she cut her eyes his way, he smiled at her. Wickedly. “I like the movie, Miss Lewis,” he whispered to her once. “Popcorn?” he offered in a more normal voice.

“Sure,” Darcy whispered, biting her lip. God, he was gorgeous up close. Those eyes were a soft, gentle blue with a hint of something willful and wild underneath. She was totally wrecked within a minute of him sitting next to her. He even smelled good, like soap and lavender. Clean sheets fresh from the dryer, her brain supplied. She realized she was blushing wildly, even before the screen flashed those newspaper headlines at the beginning.

Whoops.

She had totally forgotten that the maybe-good-maybe-bad character that Ivor Novello was playing, a stand-in for Jack the Ripper, was called The Avenger. “You’re shitting me,” she heard Apple Thief say with a chuckle. “The serial killer is called _The Avenger_? That is perfect. Man, I love Hitchcock.” Darcy could hear him munching popcorn and laughing with the other STRIKE guys.

“Shhhh,” Steve said. It was a good thing that it was a suspenseful movie and you had to watch the screen, or she would have looked at Steve and gotten the church giggles. As it was, she was developing a nervous boob sweat situation at his proximity.

When the lights went up, one of the STRIKE guys looked at Jack. “Was he really innocent? I’m not sure I actually buy it, you know?” he asked. That touched off a big discussion. Steve was leaning over the seat, brushing up against Darcy, because he’d turned around to debate Apple Thief. Darcy knew she couldn’t prevent everyone from seeing her face now, so she got up to help Owen clean. Also, she snuck a peek at her shirt: was the boob sweat obvious? Had it bled it through any?  It was a relief to find out it wasn’t evident.

“I think this was a success,” Owen said happily.

“I agree,” Darcy said.

 

***

Everyone was milling around and talking about the movie. Steve had been snagged by some people in the high seats and was still passionately debating Ivor Novello’s innocence with one of the STRIKE guys and Natasha. “I appreciate everyone’s help,” Darcy said to the others. “Y’all could be party planners or something.” That seemed to make the STRIKE guys laugh. She was packing up stuff and sorting between recycling and trash when Apple Thief walked over.

“Need a hand with that?” he asked.

“Sure, thanks,” Darcy said, smiling at him. They carried the bags to one of the SHIELD sorting bins at the end of the hallway outside the projection room.

“You feel like pizza?” he asked her suddenly. “I know a great pizza place.” Darcy was thrown. For a second, she didn’t know what to say. A few of the STRIKE guys came out of the screening room and Apple Thief nodded at them.

“Ummm, I have plans to have dinner with Thor and Jane already,” Darcy said, lowering her voice, so he wouldn’t be embarrassed. “Sorry. It’s nice of you to ask.”

“Oh, I see,” he said, grinning. “You’re setting your cap for Cap. I saw your face when he walked in. I’ve seen this before. You’re wasting your time.” He wasn’t modulating his voice at all. The STRIKE guys peered over curiously.

“Okay, I’m not sorry,” Darcy sassed back. “Now that you’ve implied I’m not pretty enough or whatever,” Darcy said, feeling a secret thrill. Captain America was crazy about her, after all. She’d caught how Steve looked her way during the movie and did a little grin. It made her stomach feel all fluttery.

“Not what I meant. The man doesn’t date. At least not his SHIELD coworkers, so there’s no point in getting your feelings hurt,” Apple Thief said. “Ask the guys.”

“Don’t you go dragging us into this!” one of them called.

“There’s a first time for everything,” Darcy told Apple Thief.

“Sure,” he said. “I like first dates myself.” He pulled a card out of his wallet and wrote something on the back.

“You’re not at all subtle, are you?” she said.

“This is my number. Call when you feel like dinner?” he said, grinning and holding out the card. The look he gave her was downright naughty. Any other time, Darcy might have taken him up on it, honestly. But not now.

“Nope,” Darcy said. “My dance card’s all full.” She turned on her heel and walked away.

“You’re not even going to take my number?” he called. He was still holding the card.

“Why? So you can eat all my food at dinner?” Darcy said.

“Oh, c’mon, sweetheart. I have a feeling we’d get along great,” he said. Down at the end of the hallway, the STRIKE guys laughed.

 

Darcy went back to the screening room and almost ran into Jane and Bucky. “Hey,” she said, startled.

“Hi,” Bucky said, smiling. It was a shame he was so quiet. She’d make an effort with him.

“Did you like the movie?” Darcy asked brightly. Jane groaned.

“Don’t say yes, she’ll make you watch every silent movie ever made,” she told Bucky. Jane handed Darcy one of those plastic cups of wine. “I got you the last of the white,” she said.

“Excuse me, lies. Most silent films are actually lost. But thanks for the wine, Janey,” Darcy said.

“I just needed to drink,” Jane said. “I was going to drink both of them myself.” She looked at the people milling around. “It feels like you’ve made me watch every silent film ever made.”

“Don’t listen to her. I’d just make you watch some Clara Bows and well, lots of Louise Brooks, maybe some Colleen Moore,” Darcy told Bucky, grinning.

“Doesn’t sound so bad. I remember Louise Brooks,” he said.

“Oh my God, really? I _love_ her. Have you read her book yet?” she asked. Jane groaned again.

“She wrote a book?” Bucky said.

“It’s amazingly well-written. She knew Bogart, so there’s a whole essay about him,” Darcy said.

“I do like Bogart,” Bucky said.

“I can totally loan you my copy,” Darcy said. “It’s called _Lulu in Hollywood_. Have you seen the movie where she wins the beauty contest?”

“No,” Bucky said, shaking his head. But he was smiling.

“We’re totally watching that sometime. I’ll get Owen to interlibrary loan it for us,” Darcy said confidently.

“She can be very frightening when she gets like this,” Jane warned Bucky. Darcy was just about to defend herself when they were interrupted by the arrival of Steve and Thor.

“Thor wants us all to go to dinner,” Steve said. “All of us.” He looked significantly at Darcy, she thought. Was that his apology face?

 

***

All of us ended up being Jane, Darcy, Thor, Steve, Natasha, and most of STRIKE Alpha. Natasha took them to a Russian restaurant. She knew the owner. Somehow, that meant they were treated to free caviar. Darcy had never actually had caviar before, so it reminded her oddly of tiny bath beads. Not that she’d eaten her bath beads as a child, but she had a bunch of pink scented ones filled with oil that she’d enjoyed bursting in the tub. Chewing caviar was sort of like that happening in your mouth. They burst and oozed flavor on your tongue. It was weird. She caught Apple Thief--he was sitting across from her--looking at her. “You okay, Lewis?” he said. She got the feeling he was laughing at her. She stuck her tongue out.

“Shut up,” she said. “I can hear you mocking me with your mind.” He laughed.

“I’m not really a caviar person myself,” Steve said, grinning. He was sitting her to left. Darcy thrilled slightly every time his knee touched hers. They were sitting very close.

“Good to know that I’m not alone,” Darcy said quietly in Steve’s ear. He actually winked at her and she felt her heart thud a little.

“Wouldn’t leave you behind, Miss Lewis,” he said.

“You must learn to enjoy caviar, both of you,” Natasha told them. “It is the mark of a refined palette.”

“Oh, yeah, because I’m so refined,” Darcy joked. Apple Thief laughed and ate caviar.

“What should we order?” Jane asked Bucky. He was sitting on Darcy’s other side. All of the STRIKE people apparently had eaten a lot of Russian food over the years. There had been a collective groan of dismay when they’d realized that nobody but Jane, Darcy, and Thor could have vodka, because they were technically on call.

“Get chicken kiev,” Bucky advised her gently, as Thor did another vodka shot. She noticed he seemed hesitant about his metal arm, so Darcy leaned across him casually, touching his arm, to ask Jane a question.

“Did you want to split something with me?” she asked. She was going to treat Bucky like anyone else, not somebody to be frightened of.

 

She and Jane decided to split the chicken kiev, per Bucky’s suggestion. It was really good. Jane let Darcy have most of the potatoes. She loved potatoes. Darcy was only having one martini, mostly because she wanted to be sober-ish when she saw Steve naked. If she saw Steve naked? What if he wanted to take it slow? No freaking way, she thought. His leg was practically glued to hers now. Not that she was complaining. He was so warm. She was nursing the one martini in anticipation of getting to really feel up that leg when the restaurant dimmed the lights. “What is happening?” she said.

“Wednesday night karaoke!” one of the STRIKE guys said cheerfully.

“Hurrah!” Thor boomed.

“He loves karaoke,” Jane said to the other end of the table.

“Oh my God,” Darcy said, as a guy at another table was handed a mike, ascended to a mini-stage in the corner, and started belting out an off-key version of “All of Me” at the woman still seated at his table.

“You might want another apple martini, Lewis,” Apple Thief said, wincing.

“Dear God,” Steve muttered, as the man hit a screechy high note.

“Darce,” Jane said seriously. “Take one for the team. Get that man’s mike. She’s great at karaoke,” she explained to Bucky, who grinned.

“I’m gonna need one of those infused vodka flights and a duet partner first,” Darcy said. She looked at Steve. “You have performance experience with USO, you’re up, soldier.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, winking again.

 

One martini flight later, she dragged Steve behind her towards the stage. “I apologize in advance for anything I do tonight, Captain,” she said.

“Oh, I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, sweetheart,” he said in her ear, as he held her hips and they ascended the little stage. “Or anything else of mine.” Darcy almost lost her balance.

“Captain, language,” she whispered, pausing at the top step.

“Did I swear?” he teased.

“Steve, don’t kill me before you take me home,” she said.

“I’ll try to behave,” he said, squeezing her a little tighter.

 

Also, it turned out Steve was really good at belting out ABBA songs, even totally sober.

 

***

Darcy woke up in her bedroom and winced at the sunlight coming in from the balcony. “Oh God,” she said out loud. It felt like she’d been hit with a sledgehammer. Repeatedly. Also, she hadn’t the faintest idea of how she got home. There was a noise. It sounded like the espresso machine. She sat up. “Steve?” she called out.

“No, it’s me,” Jane called. “Thor and I slept your couch!”

Darcy got out of bed. At least she wasn’t naked. She shuffled out to the kitchen. Jane was making coffee and Thor was out on the living room balcony, looking rather dazed. “How much vodka did he have?” Darcy said. “And where’s Steve?”

“Thor had a lot of vodka. A lot. STRIKE Alpha, Steve, Bucky, and Nat got called out on a mission at 11pm, so the two of you started drinking with those dudes we thought were Russian gangsters. Do you remember them? Mikhail, Anatoly, and Yuri? They had on tracksuits. There are photos on my phone,” Jane said. “I’ll show you. Let’s get you some coffee and fresh air.” She handed Darcy a mug of coffee. Darcy stumbled out to the balcony with Jane.

“Hey,” Darcy said to Thor.

“Aye,” he groaned.

“Which vodka flight bit you, my bro?” Darcy asked curiously.

“My eleventh. I had planned to split it with Yuri, but he passed out under the table,” Thor grumbled.

“Show me the damage,” Darcy said to Jane. Jane passed Darcy her phone. It was better to get the mortification over while you were still in the grips of hangover, Darcy knew. She scrolled through the photos of her singing with a succession of duet partners. Steve. Bucky. Apple Thief. Several guys in tracksuits. “Oh em gee, did I sit in everybody’s lap last night?” she said, horrified.

“Even Yuri,” Thor said, grinning. “Your duet of “Let’s Do It” in Russian and English was very striking. He taught you the words.”

“Please tell me I didn’t flash anyone my boobs like I did in that bar in Oslo?” she asked them.

“Noooo,” Jane said.

“What? What did I do?” Darcy said.

“You threatened to eat Steve like a Siberian dumpling, then you fed him some dessert dumplings and complained that it was so wrong for him not to date his SHIELD coworkers. You kept saying ‘but everyone loooooves you at SHIELD, Steve! Nice people! So nice!’ You actually listed nice agents he could date other than you. It was pretty funny. The whole team was rolling on the floor,” Jane said.

“Who did I name?” Darcy said, baffled.

“The lady Jamie of logistics, the lady Heather of tactical support, the lady Meredith of the mail room, the lady Jennifer of R&D, the good sir George, also of R&D, even our good friend Phil, son of Coul,” Thor said. “I miss him.”

“Oh, well, yeah. I maintain that Phil so would,” Darcy said. She didn’t know if she had Steve’s permission to tell Thor about Phil. Would Fury lose it? “I miss Phil, too,” she told Thor. He nodded sadly.

“Then you told Bucky that some guy named Jim thought he had sweet puppy thighs?” Jane said dubiously. “What are puppy thighs?”

“Uhhh, I’m not exactly sure. Anything else embarrassing?” Darcy asked tentatively.

“You had a long and drunken argument about the best dessert blinis with one of the guys and then he carried you around the restaurant so you could tell every table that the infused honey ones were the best ones,” Jane said.

“Carried me?” Darcy said.

“Well, you tried to walk, but you stumbled so much, he finally resorted to bridal carry,” Jane said. “You argued for piggyback, but you kept slipping off his back and he was worried you’d get hurt.”

“Oh God, I harrassed the other patrons?” Darcy said. “But which STRIKE guy was it?”

“The guy sitting across from you with the dark hair? He asked you out on a date, one of the other STRIKE guys said,” Jane told her. “Don’t you remember?” Jane flicked through her phone and found one of her dueting with Apple Thief.

“Apple Thief! Oh, yeah, I shot that down after the movie,” Darcy said. “No biggie.”

“Uh,” Thor began.

“What?” Darcy said.

“You sort of told him that you’d changed your mind and would rebound with him, if Steve didn’t get it together and take you out sometime,” Jane said. “He thought that was funny. So did Steve.”

“Are you telling me I actually hit on Apple Thief?” Darcy said.

“Also, you hit on Captain America, Natasha, and a little bit on Mikhail. You’re very flirty after vodka,” Jane said.

“Aye,” Thor said. “To be fair, my comrade Mikhail was a very handsome man.”

“Yeah?” Darcy said, squinting at the photo. It was difficult to see Mikhail’s face. She was sort of blocking it with the microphone.

“Apparently, he had a top 100 hit in Russia in 2003,” Jane said. “So, he could actually sing.”

“You sure he meant music and not killing people, right?” Darcy said, eyeing Mikhail’s diamond jewelry nervously. “What did I tell Natasha?” Darcy asked.

“That she was scary, but totally hot. Oh, there are more blinis in the fridge. Apparently, you were so convincing that the owner sent us home with more,” Jane said. "He sold double the usual number of them. That's why he let you harass the patrons."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Nick Charles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your comments and kudos

Darcy and Jane went into work and tried to function normally. There was a surprise waiting for Darcy in the lab: a basket with several bags of her favorite seasonal coffee beans. The note was slyly funny:

_Thought you might need a pick-me-up this week. Sorry I had to leave early.  -A_

“Well, if you weren’t in love with him before…” Jane teased.

“How did he know I like this Christmas mocha coffee?” Darcy said.

“You sort of talked about it last night while you were arguing about blinis,” Jane said.

“Oh. God, that’s so sweet, isn’t it?” Darcy said. “He’s paying attention to me. Real attention. I love that. He told me he was traditional, but I wasn’t sure what that meant, not really.”

“I think you’re being courted, sister woman,” Jane said in a mock old-fashioned voice.

“Thank you, Laura Ingalls,” Darcy snarked.

“Mayhaps he will buy lace for your bonnet,” Jane said.

“Shut up, you’re just jelly,” Darcy said, giggling.

“I so am, honestly. Thor gets me all these Asgardian magical science implements and I love them, but they have to stay at the apartment. I can’t use them in the lab, all that gold is a security risk,” Jane said.

“A thief would probably just sell them to one of those gold dealers and they’d melt it all down without realizing it was magical,” Darcy said comfortingly.

“I can’t take the risk, though. I’d love it if he just bought me coffee,” Jane said.

“Or new flannels without holes,” Darcy said, raising an eyebrow. Jane’s shirt had a hole in the hem.

“Excuse me, that just means I’m getting it broken in,” Jane said stubbornly.

“Please don’t make this like your underwear, where I have to sneak in and throw away the sad ones, okay?” Darcy said.

 

The coffee did help her perk up, thank goodness. Darcy even braved the afternoon sunshine--behind sunglasses--to find Gina the therapist and Nick Charles the labrador at lunch. It was cold but clear and sunny. “Helllllloooo, buddy,” she said to Nick, as his tail thumped against the side of a table at SHIELD’s outdoor cafe space. Nick gave her some slobbery kisses and Darcy felt marginally better, brain-wise. “He’s very affectionate,” Darcy told Gina. “He kisses like my ex.” Gina laughed.

“You’d be surprised how many women say that,” she said.

“Maybe we all dated Clive from Bristol. Who picked Nick’s name?” Darcy asked curiously. “They’re some of my favorite movies.”

“Oh, it was actually Sgt. Barnes, I’ve never seen the movie, but apparently, he’s a fan of the woman in them? Mira something?” Gina said.

“Myrna Loy? Of course he is, she’s totally a sass master, like Steve. Bucky is a real sweetheart,” Darcy said to Gina. Gina looked surprised.

“He doesn’t make you nervous?” Gina asked.

“Bucky?” Darcy said. “God, no. He’s adorable.”

“Lots of people are nervous about his metal arm,” Gina said. Darcy frowned.

“Well, that’s dumb of them,” Darcy said, letting Nick Charles lick her chin. “It’s just a fancy prosthetic for his disability, for goodness sake. Only with more features. I mean, he can probably open wine bottles or something.” Darcy shook her head. She did wonder if there was a corkscrew function on his arm.

“You’re not frightened at all?” Gina said, smiling. She looked pleased, Darcy thought.

“Um, no? I’ve met Odin and all these other semi-hostile Asgardians, like Eir. Bucky’s sweet, you know?” Darcy said, smiling. 

“I agree,” Gina said.

“I bet you like Bucky, don’t you?” Darcy said. “Can he throw your tennis balls really far?” Nick Charles’s tail wagged happily against a chair. It almost tipped over.

“Oh, gosh, yes, we started having to spell the word after Bucky started taking him for walks, he gets so excited,” Gina said.

“My friend’s chocolate lab used to fetch until you made her stop,” Darcy said, rubbing Nick’s ear. He groaned a little. Darcy grinned. “Hershey would get all flushed around her eyes and nose and we knew it was time to call it a day.”

“He does that, too. I think he would play ball until he passed out, honestly,” Gina said.

  
***

“Jane, I met Nick Charles! I would have gotten you a pawtograph, but he can’t hold a pen,” Darcy joked, when she went back to the lab. She’d taken selfies with Nick and posted them to her instagram with the hashtag ‘#mycutenewboyfriend,’ just to make Steve laugh.

“Who?” Jane said.

“I’ll make you more coffee,” Darcy said. She futzed around, feeling oddly cheerful for someone with a major hangover. Maybe Nick Charles really had special therapy skills that included hangover cures? Either that, or this was really good coffee. When she vocalized that to Jane, Jane snorted. “What?” Darcy said.

“It’s called being in love, dummy, it makes you stupidly happy for absolutely no reason,” Jane said sagely.

“Oh,” Darcy said. That made sense. “Is this giddy feeling why you chased Thor through heavens and Earth?” she joked.

“The abs helped,” Jane said.

“Very motivational,” Darcy said, nodding.

 

He called her at home that night. “You met the flatfoot?” he said cheerfully.

“I did! It was so exciting. I adore those movies,” she said.

“I had a feeling,” he said.

“How?” Darcy said. “Are you psychic, too?”

“No, sweetheart, I made a tactical assumption that nobody sees _The Lodger_ without seeing _The Thin Man_ first,” he said.

“I forget you’re a strategic and tactical genius, too,” she said.

“Everybody does,” he retorted, sounding sassy. “They think I’m all good looks and no substance with this face.” Darcy laughed.

“Is beauty a heavy burden, darling?” she asked playfully.

“Oh, so, so heavy. I might need a gorgeous girl with me, just to draw some attention,” he said.

“Should I ask around for one? I hear there’s lots of interest?” she said.

“No, I’ve got a candidate in mind,” he said.

***

 

She missed dinner with her sweetheart-slash-roomie-slash-Hot Serum’d Soldier the end of that week because she and Jane went to a conference in Delaware for several days. She’d assumed he would be gone, too.

 

 **Resident A:** I’m at home making dinner, where are you?

 **Resident B:** Wilmington, Delaware at a conference for four days. You’re back?!

 **Resident A:** Just for 48 hours.

 **Resident B:** Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo [crying emoji]

 **Resident A:** I can’t believe we missed each other again, sweetheart. I have the worst luck.

 **Resident B:** I KNOW. It’s ridiculous. I’m already so mad that I didn’t get to jump your bones after the Russian place. I wanted to kiss your stupidly handsome self senseless.

 **Resident A:** Did you now?

 **Resident B:** This can’t have eluded you.

 **Resident A:** You mean when you were sitting in my lap and wiggling suggestively?

 **Resident A:** Didn’t you sit in everybody’s lap?

 **Resident B:** We’re supposed to be secret paramours, that was my cover. I only wigged with you. I think.

 **Resident B:** After you abandoned me, I had to be content to sing “Let’s Do It” in Russian with Mikhail.

 **Resident A:** Who is Mikhail, sweetheart?

 **Resident B:** He was a Russian pop star. It was too good to pass up.

 **Resident A:** Please tell me you aren’t in Stalingrad with him now?

 **Resident B:** Someone is very sassy today.

 **Resident B:** Also, Old Sport, nobody calls it Stalingrad anymore.

 **Resident A:** I think it sounds funnier, though.

 **Resident B:** Truth. I LOVE my coffee.

 **Resident A:** I know. You told me when you were drunk. Several times.

 

Darcy looked up at a print of Rehoboth Beach hanging on the hotel room wall and frowned. “Phhffft,” she said. “Delaware, you’re Dela-square. Jane, I was cursed by a witch, obviously.”

“What is it?” Jane said. She was making presentation notes.

“A gorgeous man is making me dinner in our stunning apartment and I’m miles and miles away,” Darcy said. “I shall commence pouting and sulking.”

“Won’t he be there when we get back?” Jane asked.

“Nooooooooo,” Darcy whined. “He’ll have left. She’s clever, the one that cursed me. She probably worked the spell so we’re always prevented from being in the same place at the same time. I’ll be old and gray and we’ll finally see each other in a train station.”

“Trains?” Jane said.

“Can’t you imagine Steve in his dress uniform standing next to a train?” Darcy said.

“It probably wasn’t a specific curse,” Jane mused.

“No?” Darcy said.

“I bet that woman with the WACs and WAVEs uniform just has a voodoo doll labeled ‘love interest of Steve Rogers’ or something,” Jane said. “Stabs it occasionally to pass the time.”

 

***

When Darcy got back from Delaware, there was another surprise waiting. Steve had left her a pair of earrings and a bracelet. There was a handwritten note this time. _Picked these up in China. They call them Kasumi pearls? I thought they’d go real nice with your tracker necklace, sweetheart. -A_

 

Darcy texted Jane.

 **World’s Okayest Assistant:** Steve got me a pearl bracelet and earrings!  
****

**HRH Jane, Queen of Science! And Asgard:** Isn’t that too formal for you?  
****

**World’s Okayest Assistant:** These are cool pearls. They have a fun shape. He thought they went with Mr. Eggy. [photo]

 **HRH Jane, Queen of Science! And Asgard:** Those are cool. Your secret boyfriend is annoyingly gift-competent.

 **World’s Okayest Assistant:** It’s even sweeter when you realize that back in his day pearls were probably still a really romantic, fancy gift. Remember that jewels book I read? _Stoned_ by Aja Raden? Before Mikimoto invented cultured pearls, they were ultra-rare and $$$$. I don’t even think cultured pearls got less expensive until after the war and stuff.

 **HRH Jane, Queen of Science! And Asgard:** When you finally tell everyone, you two are going to be so sappy in public.

 **World’s Okayest Assistant:** Jane, please. You’ve sucked face with Thor on 3 continents and several realms.

 

***

She was wearing her new jewelry on Monday morning as she went into the office. Apple Thief and Jack and four other STRIKE guys were standing in the elevator when the doors opened. “G’day, Darce,” Jack said.

“Hi, Jack,” Darcy said. “I didn’t know you guys were back.” Inside, her heart was doing a little happy dance. If STRIKE was back, he was back! They were on the same continent! She could surprise him at home!

“Just got back five minutes ago, headed upstairs for a debriefing and tactical seminar,” Jack said.

“They’re working y’all too hard,” Darcy said sympathetically. 

“You’re not going to greet me? After all we’ve been through together?” Apple Thief said teasingly. “That hurts my feelings, Lewis.”

“Hello, Man Who Is Wrong About Blinis,” Darcy said cheerfully. The elevator stopped on Darcy and Jane’s floor.

“Have dinner with me tonight?” Apple Thief said.

“Are you still on that?” Darcy said, stepping off the elevator.

“Okay,” he said. “It’s a no on dinner. What if we don’t date, we just live together?” he said, smirking.

“I don’t even know your name!” Darcy said, laughing. He stepped out of the elevator, holding it open with his hand. “Hold this thing,” he said to the other guys and walked towards Darcy.

 

***

“This isn’t going to go so hot,” one STRIKE guy said to Jack.

“Why not?” Jack asked, hitting the doors open button.

“He wasn’t at the Russian place, Jack doesn’t know Cap was all over her during karaoke,” the second one said.

“He was?” Jack said.

“Oh, yeah, put his hand on her ass. For him, that’s practically a marriage proposal,” the first man said.

“I thought she was into Barnes,” the third STRIKE guy said.

“What?” the other two said in unison.

“She touched his metal arm when she was talking to Foster. Barnes doesn’t like people touching his arm, but it was no big deal when she did it?” the third man said.

“I have a different theory that explains it all,” the fourth man said. The other men groaned.

“What?” Jack said.

“His theories are nuts,” one of the STRIKE guys said. "Always."

“Hear me out. There were rumors Lewis was staying with a VIP, right? People thought it was Romanoff, Lewis didn’t deny it, right? Went around making ‘Boris & Natasha jokes,’ according to Jennifer on STRIKE Charlie. Then karaoke night she’s all buddy-buddy with Cap and Barnes and she tells Natasha that she’s scary hot? It’s obvious,” the man said.

“What is?” the first guy said.

“Natasha has a one-bedroom. Remember that vodka-tasting party she threw? C’mon, you get it, right?” the fourth man said.

“I don’t,” Jack said, baffled.

“Lewis and Romanoff are a couple. That’s why she’s so cozy with Cap and Barnes. She’s probably been dating Romanoff for awhile, so they all know each other. But Romanoff hates people having any leverage over her, so obviously, she’d keep a serious live-in girlfriend on the down low,” the fourth guy said.

 

***

 

“Did you want to know it? My name?” Apple Thief said, giving Darcy a look, as he walked towards her. Totally the face he made when he’d thought about someone naked. Very naked, Darcy thought.

“Oh, I think I need your name like I need your number,” she teased.

“You’re killing me, Lewis,” he said. “I’m dying slowly without you on missions.”

“Call a cop,” she said sarcastically.  

“I do own handcuffs,” he said slyly. “You could cuff me. I’m very compliant with female authority.”  He’d lowered his voice a little, but people walking by heard him.

“This is wildly inappropriate,” Darcy said, failing to suppress a grin. “You’re making a scene.” Other SHIELD employees were actually staring now. “Give up, pal. It’s a lost cause,” she said.

“I love lost causes. Nothing keeps me going like a challenge,” he said, grinning.

“Get to your debrief, Apples,” Darcy said, turning on her heel. “I’m too busy for your shenanigans.”

"I've got something real important to tell you, sweetheart," he said.

"No, you don't!" Darcy said.

 

***

“Sorry, mate,” Jack said when he got back on the elevator.

“What you sorry about, Kangaroo Jack?” he said. “That woman is in love with me. She has no idea, but she is.”

“Sure, boss,” one of the other STRIKE guys said, trying not to laugh in his face.

 

***

 

Apple Thief showed up at five o’clock that day in the lab. “I brought dinner,” he said. “I decided I would come to you.” He was carrying two bags of Chinese takeout.

“I’m going to get Thor to hit you with Mew Mew,” Darcy said.

“Mew Mew?” Apple Thief said, raising an eyebrow.

“She means Mjolnir,” Jane said, looking up from her work.

“I have plans,” Darcy said. She was going straight home to catch Steve. She’d heard a rumor that he usually worked out until six-thirty after work, so she was bailing at five. She was kicking herself for not bringing the apartment tablet with her to work to text him. For sure, Fury monitored the work messaging system at SHIELD, so she couldn’t text him at his official Captain America account to ask when he’d be home. She didn’t even have a number for him; he used blocked phones on missions and always called her. She couldn't exactly run down to the gym, either. She didn't trust herself if he was all sweaty and shirtless or something. She'd land on that man like a duck on a junebug and expose their whole secret. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, she thought. She had zero communication ability at work. She realized Apples was frowning at her. “What?” she said grumpily.

“That’s nice manners there, Lewis. Are you going to snub me, too?” Apple Thief asked Jane.

“No, I always accept free food from guys hitting on Darce. It happens more than you think,” Jane said. He brought her a takeout container.

“Good. Romanoff told me you liked crab wontons,” he said. “So, I’ve got those and General Tso’s chicken for you, Foster.”

“How did she know that?” Darcy wondered.

“No idea. It’s never my job to ask her questions, I just utilize her knowledge,” he said casually. “At least have a wonton, Lewis. I got you lemon pepper shrimp.” He’d remembered she liked pepper, she realized.

“Nope, I gotta go home,” Darcy said. “Bye, Jane! I’ll call Thor to drag you home in a few hours.”

“Thanks,” Jane said, through a mouthful of General Tso.

"Can I go home with you?" Apple Thief said, as Darcy stood up.

"Nope. I have a roommate," Darcy said. "You two wouldn't get along."

"You sure about that?" he said.

"Definitely," Darcy said.

 

“At least take the food,” Apple Thief said, following Darcy to the elevator.

“Are you always this relentless, Apples?” Darcy said. Several passing employees turned to look.

“I usually don’t even have to try, sweetheart,” he said. “Half of tactical analysis would swoon if I showed up with their favorite food.”

“Sure,” Darcy said teasingly.

“Last year, we rescued the Saudi ambassador’s daughter and she sent me a car, Lewis. What makes you so immune to my charms whenever we're in this building?” he asked, grinning slowly.

“Did you get to keep the car?” Darcy said, honestly curious.

“Nah, I sent it back. Over the reporting limits. Yellow Ferraris aren’t really my style, anyway,” he said. The elevator doors opened.  “You’re sure you don’t want some of this?” He held up the food bag and winked.

“I’m sure there’s an alternative universe where I’m very into your Chinese food and your whole sexy bad boy thing, but not this one,” Darcy said, stepping onto the elevator. The man inside blinked at them and then went back to his phone.

“You think I’m sexy?” he said, sounding delighted. “In an alternative universe?”

“Yeah, but there’s probably a universe where Jane is with Jack and another one where Bucky and Steve and Tony are a poly triad. That’s the universe where we’re together, my dude. If I’m not with Phil Coulson or Bruce Banner,” she said as she hit the lobby button.

“What?” he said, sounding baffled.

“It’s Science!, I don’t understand how it all works, just that it does,” Darcy said. “Ask Jane, she explains it better.”

“Wait, are we happy in that universe?” he said.

“Probably,” Darcy said, shrugging. “We might even be married, have a kid. But I could sue you for workplace harassment in this one.” Phone guy chuckled. The elevator doors closed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kasumi-style (ripple) pearls are stunning: https://www.purepearls.com/Ripple-Pearls-Your-new-favorite-pearl_b_101.html
> 
> For people asking if/why Darcy can't tell who she's talking to on the phone versus IRL, that's a fun question, right? If this was Trial & Error (I love that show), this is the part where we could chant "Accentboard! Accentboard!" (instead of Murderboard!) as we gathered our theories about who "A" is. 
> 
> Evidence recap:  
> Darcy's noticed A sounds more "New York" on the phone than Cap's PSAs, but she's not from New York, so it's unclear what sounds "New York" to her. 
> 
> Steve versus Bucky? How different do the two kids from Brooklyn sound together? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLFDmaPcqXg
> 
> And for those of you who think A is Rumlow, here's your (Bronx-born) Frank Grillo fix. Rumlow in scenes with Steve: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORJAE3pVOMY


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SOS--from ABBA to WWII--keeps popping up as a weird motif in this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for your comments and kudos!

He came back into the lab. “I’m leaving you the lemon pepper, Foster,” Apple Thief said.

“Mmm, thvanks, Tso’s so good,” Jane said, still eating.

“Do you think there are alternate universes where Lewis and I are married?” he asked.

“Mmmh-mm,” Jane said, nodding. “It’s likely. If there’s enough chemistry.”

“We have chemistry,” he said stubbornly. “You see it, right?”

“Sure,” Jane said. If she said yes, he might bring her more food. “Why?” Jane asked.

“It’s important,” he said. “Could you send me to an alternate universe with some of these things?” he said, gesturing to her equipment. “So, I could talk to her there?”

Jane shook her head and swallowed. “Can’t. Two yous in one place might tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause the universe to fold in on itself. I could put you there and Other You here, but then you might mess his relationship with Darcy up in that universe,” she said, thoughtfully. 

“I would be really mad at me if I did that,” he said. “Forget about it. Damn.” He ran a hand through his hair. 

“But….” Jane speculated. She scratched her chin with a chopstick and got a little sauce on her face.

“What?” he said.

“I’m thinking,” Jane said. 

 

***

 

Darcy tried to keep her heart-rate normal as she drove home, pulled into the parking garage, and got into the elevator. “Oh em gee, oh em gee,” she whispered to herself. She was half-excited, half-nervous. What if he didn’t think she was as cute in real life? There was no way he wasn’t as cute in real life, though. No way.

 

She unlocked the apartment door. It was dark inside. “Steve?” she called, turning on a light. There was no answer. Was he still at the gym, maybe? She could start dinner. She wanted to surprise him. She was getting things out of the fridge when she noticed something. There was a blinking light on the tablet. “Oh, no, do not be called out, do not be called out,” Darcy repeated. She tapped the screen to wake it.

 

**Resident A:** Be home soon, sweetheart.

 

“Soon? Which soon?” Darcy wailed to the empty apartment. “Six-thirty soon or next Thursday soon?” 

 

**Resident B** : Which soon is now?

**Resident A:** You miss me. I just have a few things to do before I get home.

**Resident B:** You are beginning to vex me. I will run off with Mikhail if you leave me, all lonely and whatnot, in this beautiful apartment. It happens.

**Resident A:** Does it?

**Resident B:** Joan Crawford is having this exact problem on TCM right now. I may have huge eyebrows and shoulder pads when you get back.

**Resident A:** Don’t forget your red lipstick.

**Resident B:** How did you know I own that?

**Resident A:** I just do.

  
  


With no clue about how soon he’d be home, Darcy put the food ingredients back in the fridge. She was scrolling through an Atlas Obscura story about a sourdough library when she got a phone alert about a DC incident involving SHIELD and “various Avengers.” Switching the television from a highly-emotive Joan Crawford, Darcy was greeted by live footage of Steve throwing his shield at some...goo things. “Are those gooey aliens?” she said out loud, as one crawled across the ground onscreen. It was about the size of a Maine Coon cat and purple. She watched as Thor hit one with Mew-Mew. It splattered a little purple stuff on the camera screen and Thor shook some of the gelatinous stuff off Mew-Mew. It shimmered a little pink when it was separated into parts like that. A herd of identical-looking, black-clad STRIKE guys ran past Thor, firing at something over his shoulder. 

“Ten o’ clock, mate! Ten o’clock!” someone yelled in a distinctively Aussie-sounding accent. There was a rattle of gunfire and splats.

“Oh, it’s Jack,” she said.

“Purple Rain incoming!” a voice said on onscreen, as some of the goo aliens were hit by blasts of power. Tony was in DC, apparently. The shaky camera re-focused on Steve, doing a complicated shield-toss that mowed down several of the goo aliens A knife whizzed past his head and Darcy sat up, alarmed. The camera followed the arc of the knife as it landed on a goo thing that was reaching for Steve’s left ankle, then panned back to Bucky. He smiled and gave the camera a wave, then shot at something over the cameraman’s shoulder with his metal arm.

“Thank you!” a terrified-sounding voice said, behind the camera.

“You’re very welcome,” Bucky said.

Just then, a second goo ball flew past Bucky’s head and he had to duck. “Got it, Buck!” Steve called, as his shield whizzed past.

“Thanks, Punk!” Bucky said. 

“Look at that,” Darcy said. “Bucky thanks Steve for stuff. I’m going to remind Jane to thank me when I put out the next toaster or Science! Fire.” On the tv, Thor was executing a trick spin with Mew-Mew before slamming the hammer into the ground, fritzing all the goo aliens in a ten-foot radius. “Go Mew-Mew!” Darcy said. She clapped. 

 

***

“I really do need to get home, Tony,” Steve said, as they stood on the sidewalk. Everyone was dirty, sweaty, and a little bit sticky. 

“Me, too,” Bucky said quietly.

“What, you got a hot date?” Tony asked.

“No,” Steve said. “I just, uh, need to shower.”

“What about you, Soviet Murderbot?” Tony said quizzically.

“I need to water my houseplant,” Bucky said.

“You don’t have a person for that?” Tony asked.

“No,” Bucky said.

“If he did, he would refuse to tell us,” Natasha said. “Are Jane and Darcy coming?” she asked Thor.

“C’mon, it’ll be just like old times,” Tony said. “Get in the limo. I know a place.”

“You invited Darcy?” Steve said, looking at Thor.

“Does he like her?” Tony asked Natasha.

“Jane does not answer her phone,” Thor said sadly. “I could not invite them for the reunion dinner of shawarma.”

“Yes, I think he does,” Natasha said to Tony.

“Ooooh, Capsicle is crushing on Itty Bitty!” Tony said, delighted.

“Tony--” Steve began, scoldingly.

“What? She’s totally your type. Aunt Peg would approve. She shot you, Itty Bitty tased Thor, they’d have a lot to talk about,” Tony said. “Jane is almost as nuts as Dad about experiments, too.”

“Aye,” Thor said, “but my Jane’s experiments are successful.”

“Are you making a crack about the flying car thing? Did you tell him about that, Soviet MurderBot?” Tony asked. Bucky didn’t hear him.

“What is shawarma?” Bucky asked Natasha.

“Grilled meat in the Middle Eastern style,” she said. “It is very good.”

“Okay,” Bucky said, hesitating slightly. He liked anything that wasn’t Depression-era mock-apple pie and the creamed chipped beef they’d served in the Army. Out of cryo, he’d been teaching himself to cook and eating a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. 

“It’s much better than SOS,” Steve told him, accurately reading his expression. They’d called the beef by the acronym SOS--”Shit on on a Shingle”--during the war because the canteens served it on toast.

  
  


***

Alternate London, 

The Convergence,

Near the Old Royal Naval College

 

“You just saved my life!” Darcy yelled. A guy in tactical gear had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and dealt with a car thrown her way by the alien elves or whatever they freaking were, while she and Ian ran around setting up Jane’s thingamajigs.

“Yeah,” the guy said. 

“Darcy!” Ian said. “We need to run.”

“You’re really hot,” Darcy said to mystery heroics guy. 

“Oh, am I?” he said, smirking.

“Uh-huh,” Darcy said. He was maybe the best-looking guy she’d ever seen. In a bad boy sort of way.

“Listen, there’s something I want to tell you--” he said, but he never got to finish the sentence.

 

“Darcy?” Jane said, when Darcy reappeared in front of her, caught in a liplock with someone she didn’t recognize.

“Jane!” Darcy said, once they realized they were being watched.

“Foster, Selvig,” the guy said. 

“Mew Mew!” Darcy said, as the hammer whizzed by.

“Who are you?” Jane said.

“I’m with SHIELD,” the guy said to Jane and Selvig.

“Did they finally get my messages?” Darcy asked, looking back at him.

“No, but you really should take my number,” he said, grinning. “How can I help you save the world today, sweetheart?”

 

***

Still on the couch in her fancy apartment, Darcy tried calling Jane, but she was ignoring her phone. “Where are you, Jane Brain?” she asked the phone. “Fine,” she muttered, putting the phone down. “Steve is fighting goo with STRIKE, Thor, and Bucky and Jane isn’t answering my calls. See if I care. And I’m certainly not taking any of you to the sourdough library when I go. I’ll take Thor and Mew-Mew, though. I bet Mew-Mew hasn’t seen sourdough starter. Maybe Jack. He looks like someone who’d have a bread machine.” The waiting made Darcy bored and antsy. She felt like she should be doing something. So, she went through her email inbox, painted her toenails in red, white, and blue, paid some bills, and ate microwave popcorn. They’d stopped covering the goo aliens, so she watched some more Joan Crawford movies. 

 

She’d fallen asleep on the couch when--several hours later--someone came into the apartment silently, wrapped her in a blanket, picked her up, and carried her to bed. He tucked her in and she muttered something about “freaking goo aliens.” He laughed.

“Goo aliens, huh?” he said.

“Mmm-hmm,” she said. “Missed you.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” he said, before he stepped out of the room and pulled the door half-closed behind him. The couch blanket was tossed into the laundry basket, slightly grimy and stained from where he’d held it--and her in the blanket--very close. Then he went into his own room. He needed to wash off all the dirt and muck from his mission that day.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression food sounds, well, really depressing: http://mentalfloss.com/article/85597/8-curious-recipes-depression-era.
> 
> I like to imagine Steve and Bucky being dazzled by, like, fresh peaches especially after that CA: CW scene of Bucky shopping in Europe,


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Medovik Bakery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your comments and kudos!

Darcy woke up with a vague memory of being carried to bed. “Steve?” she said, getting up. “Steve?” There was no answer. She walked out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. It was six in the morning. The empty apartment mocked her. “Why does he keep leaving? Can’t the man ever sleep in?” she said out loud. Darcy wondered what that implied for their future love life. What if she had to go to bed at eight o’clock at night? She thought about those Smithsonian photos of a shirtless Steve, post-serum. She could start going to bed early.

On the kitchen island, there was a note. _Coffee’s already prepped, just hit the button. Thor tried to ask you to dinner, but he couldn’t get in touch with Jane. You look pretty when you sleep. --A_

“Makes two of us,” Darcy said, wondering what Jane was up to last night. Darcy had assumed that maybe Jane was pulling a Mad Science! Shift, but she hadn’t wanted to risk missing Steve to go to the office. She tapped the coffee button as instructed and the coffee started to brew. When she went to the fridge for half and half, she noticed that there was a leftovers container from a restaurant. “I bet Tony had them all go to shawarma. That man’s obsessed,” she said. “Still, Tony could have called me or something.”

 

She was still feeling slightly miffed when she came into work. She hit the elevator button for Jane’s lab and waited, tapping her foot impatiently. Why couldn’t her love life ever go right? The elevator doors opened. Steve was standing up against the glass. There were twenty SHIELD employees between them. Darcy sighed. Steve looked at her, smiling. She half-smiled in acknowledgement, then turned to face the doors.  It was a long ride upstairs. People got on and off the elevator. Darcy sensed, rather than saw, Steve moving closer to her with every change of personnel. He was standing behind her when he spoke to the other four people in the elevator. “If you’d like to step out before I stop this elevator,” he said quietly.

“You’re stopping the elevator?” a woman said.

“It’s an emergency,” Steve said.

“We’ll go,” the man with her said. They’d stepped off at the next floor when the man looked back at Darcy. “Miss--” he said. Steve reached around Darcy and hit the door close button and they slid shut. He he looped his arm around her waist and turned her to face him.

“Steve,” Darcy said, melting.

“Darcy,” he said, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t,” she said.

“Good,” he said.

 

“You realize the camera can still see us, right?” Darcy said breathlessly, when he’d stopped kissing her for a second. He’d pressed her back against the glass. It was warm in the sun. He was warm, too.

“Oh,” Steve said. He reached behind him and tossed the shield upwards. It stuck in the ceiling at an angle that blocked the cameras. “That ought to cover it,” he said, then leaned into to kiss her again.

“That’s property damage,” she said.

“Fury can send me a bill,” he said. He kissed her jaw and ear, teasing his tongue against her earlobe.

“Why didn’t you wake me last night or this morning?” she asked, pressing against him.

“You looked so pretty,” he said hotly, his eyes shifting to her face. “It was four am, too. I’m operating on an hour of sleep and lots of thinking about you, doll.”

“Oh,” Darcy said. “I like it when you call me doll,” she said. It made her feel all feminine and romantic.

“Okay, doll,” he said, grinning. “Any other requests?”

“Kiss me again, Steve,” she said. He did.

“Captain Rogers,” a voice said, crackling over the intercom. “Are you misusing my elevator?”

“No, sir, Director Fury,” Steve said, looking over his shoulder towards the speaker.

“No?” Fury said.

“No,” Steve said. He turned to look at Darcy, grinned, then sank down to his knees. He’d buried his face in her boobs when Fury spoke again.

“Lewis, I know you’re responsible for corrupting a national icon,” Fury said. The speaker clicked off. Steve chuckled.

“That is so unfair,” Darcy said.

“That’s true,” Steve said. “It’s a real double-standard. Also, Peggy corrupted me first.”

“She did?” Darcy said. “But I thought--” He threw back his head and laughed. “Where?” Darcy asked, fascinated.

“Which where, sweetheart?” he teased.

“Oh my God,” Darcy said, giggling wildly. She really would have fallen down, had he not been holding her hips. “I meant, when did you have sex?”

“Before the serum, but she worried she was going to kill me,” he said. “Then after the serum, we were….less worried. There was a bar and she was wearing this red dress I liked a lot, so we found a telephone booth--” He paused. “You know, that gives me an idea,” he said, reaching for her leggings. She was wearing leggings under a dress.

“Steve, we can’t--” Darcy said.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because,” she said, looking to her right. On the other side of the Triskelion, an elevator full of SHIELD employees was riding up and down, watching them.

“Huh,” Steve said. “I didn’t know that many people could fit in an elevator.”

“Are they actually scrapping now?” Darcy asked.

“I guess I ought to break that up?” he said, sighing. He rose up, pulled his shield from the ceiling, and gave her a smoldering look. “I’ll see you at home tonight, doll.”

 

***

Alternate London,

Post-Convergence,

Jane Foster’s Lab (Her Mom’s House)

 

“Where are we going?” Darcy said, as they left. He straightened the scarf on her neck and fixed her hat as they stood on the doorstep.

“We just saved the world, Lewis, we’re not hanging out at Foster’s mom’s house anymore. I’m taking you on a date,” he said, leading her down the sidewalk.

“Okay,” Darcy said happily. Her back kind of hurt from all the sex they’d been having in her room--also known as Jane’s mom’s junk room--anyway. Air mattresses weren’t designed for dating men this athletic. He shook his head. “What, my dude?” she asked, snuggling under his arm as they walked.

“It’s so much easier to get you to like me here,” he grumbled. “But I only have two more weeks of vacation time left and I can’t stay after this. Fury will have Jane send a team back to retrieve me so I can keep working.”

“Are you _that_ important?” Darcy asked.

“I’m reliable,” he said.

“Old Reliable,” she teased.

“Hey, you were older when I met you, it’s not as weird,” he said.

“Whatever you say, Mysterious Hot Guy,” she said, grinning up at him.

“You really like me here, don’t you?” he said. “Damn it.”

“Yup. Who will he send?” she asked, curious.

“Probably a STRIKE team. Or Phil Coulson’s crew,” he said. “They weren’t here.”

“For one guy?” Darcy said, scrunching her nose.

“There’s a whole space-time continuum issue that Fury might be worried about,” he said, sighing. “I could collapse the universe if I accidentally run into myself on a mission. I don’t want anybody getting hurt, so I have to go back.”

“Bummer. Why don’t I like you there?” Darcy asked. She couldn’t imagine turning him down. He claimed that he’d pursued her aggressively, but she’d said no. She couldn’t quite believe it. Dude was sexy and charming, even if he was weirdly cryptic about his actual name and asked her to call him “Apple Thief,” like he was a celebrity baby or something.

“Jane told me you were secretly dating Cap,” he said, spitting out the words like they physically hurt.

“Cap, like Captain America?” Darcy said, floored. “Whoa.” She looked at him and pulled a face that was like a kid at Christmas.

“Don’t look so damn pleased,” he grumbled. “You want fish and chips or something fancy?”

“I’m dating Cap there and you here,” Darcy said giddily. “My vajayjay is golden in _every_ universe. I’m so sexy. Bow-chica-wow-wow.” She bumped him with her hips.

“Ughhhhhhhh,” he groaned. “You’re killing me, Lewis.”

“I must be really killing you, if you actually used some of Jane’s duct-taped equipment to find a single version of me,” she said.

“She has better stuff now,” he said, then looked at her intensely, “but yes. Do you want to check into a hotel with a decent damn bed for the next two weeks?”

“Depends. You paying?” she said. “I have no money.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Okey-dokey,” she said. “Do I have money in the future?”

“I dunno,” he said, as they walked. “You refuse to have dinner with me in the future.” He looked glum. She giggled.

“But I looooooove you here,” she said in a saccharine voice. “I really, really looooooove you.”

“It’s mean to mock me like this,” he said grumpily, squeezing her shoulder. But she thought his eyes  lit up.

“I knoooooow,” she said. “You might be crazy, if you got in one of Jane’s portals. You could have been splinched, like Harry Potter,” she said.

“Splinched?” he asked.

“Arm there, leg here, that kind of thing,” Darcy said. “You’re lucky to have made it here in one piece. What if you can’t go back?”

”I’d never be so lucky,” he said, sighing. When she looked at him in surprise, he smiled. “Everything I want is here.”

“I do think we need a better mattress,” Darcy said. “My back hurts.” He laughed.

 

***

 

Bucky was walking Nick Charles along a DC street near the office when the labrador stopped to drink water out of a ceramic bowl in front of a little shop. The whole street was lined with small businesses in a row of historic buildings: a florist, a cupcake shop, restaurants, even an antique store and a few bars. Nick Charles liked to walk there because the people sitting at the outdoor tables on the sidewalks patted him and fed him snacks. Bucky--well, Bucky didn’t get snacks, but his therapist had told him a dog was a great way to talk to people--and Bucky needed to get comfortable in his own skin again. As Bucky was standing there, thinking about therapy, Nick Charles sloshed water out of the ceramic bowl unto Bucky’s shoes. He laughed.

Inside the shop, a woman in a striped shirt was working. She turned to face the window where they were standing and Bucky was so taken aback, he spoke out loud without meaning to. “Natalya?” he said through the glass. The woman caught him staring and stepped out onto the little edge of the door. Above her, the sign for the the Medovik Bakery swayed in the DC breeze.

“Does he need more water?” she asked in a husky voice.

“Natalya?” Bucky repeated.

“She’s a she?” the woman--clearly not Natalya--asked. She leaned down to pet Nick Charles. Her hair was cut in a short pixie style that showed off her face. Especially the fullness of her mouth and her dramatically-lined eyes.

“Uhhh, no, sorry. This is Nick. He does need more water,” Bucky said.

“Because it’s on your shoes,” the woman said, smirking.

“Yes,” Bucky said. When she came back with a jug of water, he tried to explain. “He, uh, does a thing where when he gets warm, he dips his whole face into the bowl and sort of sloshes it around?” he said.

“You mean you didn’t just stick your feet in there and try to swim?” the woman said archly. She was really like Natalya, Bucky thought, only she was flirting with him. Natalya hadn’t flirted with him since Gorbachev was president. Possibly, Natalya had never flirted with him at all, he was realizing. This woman had something, well, _carnal_ about her that was more suggestive and yet, more terrifying than Natalya’s cool aura of diffidence and remove. Bucky swallowed.

“You look like my friend Natalya,” he said.

“And that’s not a line?” she said, smiling. Wickedly. It was a smile with a lot of firepower. Bucky felt a bead of sweat drip down the back of his neck.

“No,” he said, grinning. “Here.” He held out his phone with the photo of them as a group--Nat, Tony, Thor, Steve, and himself--at one of Tony’s previous parties. “I thought she’d changed her hair.”

“Would your friend Natalya have changed her hair and be working at a bakery?” the woman asked in that same arch tone. She took the phone.

“It’s not the strangest thing she’s ever done,” he said, grinning. Her expression changed from knowing to surprised.

“She does look like me,” the woman said. “You weren’t kidding.”

“No,” he said.

“I have a doppelganger called Natalya?” she said. "How interesting."

“She mostly goes by Natasha now,” he said, “it’s a nickname for Natalya. But when we met in Russia, she was still Natalya. Difficult habit to break. She still calls me Yasha, too.”

“Yasha?” the woman said, handing back his phone.

“My name is James, but in Russian, Yasha is sort of like Jimmy,” he explained. “I used it then to fit in.”

“James,” she said, rolling the name around on her tongue. She looked him up and down curiously. Her expression was openly interested. “I don’t think you look like a Jimmy,” she said, “in any language.”

“No?” Bucky said.

“No,” she said, leaning against the doorframe. She smiled. “I’ll get your friend Nick a treat, James.”

 

He was still standing there when she came back with a bag. “These have no chocolate, raisins, or onions, but you can eat them, too, James,” she said, smiling. There was a number written on the bag. It was signed with an N.

“Thank you,” Bucky said. “That’s very nice of you.”

“I’m not really nice,” she said.

“You’re not?” he said.

“I expect you to call me,” she said. “This is technically a pretense.”

“I will,” he said. “But I don’t know your name?”

“Call me and I’ll tell you,” she said.

 

As he and Nick were walking away, she called out. “Did you think you were the first person to notice I looked like the Black Widow, Sergeant Barnes?” she said, laughing.

“You knew?” he said, turning back.

“Nat is my third cousin twice removed,” she said. “She brings Nick by on Wednesdays.” Nick waggled his tail. "Also, I'm standing beneath a sign that says  _Medovik_ ," she said. Medovik was the name of a Russian honey cake.

“What does the N stand for?” he asked.

“Nadia,” she said. 

Bucky smiled. In Russian, Nadia meant _hope._

  
***

Alternate London,

Two Weeks Post-Post Convergence,

Jane Foster’s Lab (Her Mom’s House)

 

“As soon as I’ve earned more time off and have a detailed copy of my schedule for 2014 through 2018, I’ll be back,” he said. “I promise.”

“I’ll miss you,” Darcy said, tucking her head under his chin. He kissed the top of her head.

“I know _you_ will,” he said. There was a portal forming in Jane’s mom’s living room. It looked like Jane’s favorite duct tape: shades of purple, black, blue, and red in a swirling vortex.

“I made this?” Jane said, ecstatic.

“Yeah, you did, several years from now,” he said. “I appreciate your help.” He smiled at her. It was a genuine smile.

“Come back soon?” Darcy said, when he looked at her again. “What was it you wanted to tell me that first day?”

“I’m crazy about you,” he said quietly. He detached himself from Darcy--letting go of her hand last--and went towards the growing, man-sized void that was forming next to the television.

“Are you never going to tell me your name?” Darcy called, as he stuck one foot into the void. He turned his head halfway, so she could see one side of his face. He sighed.

“Brock Rumlow,” he said. “My name is Brock Rumlow.” Then he disappeared.

 

“Are you okay?” Jane said to Darcy. She was staring at the rapidly-shrinking portal with a strange expression. With a pop, it disappeared, too.

“I can’t believe he lied to me,” Darcy said.

“What do you mean?” Jane said.

“Jane, there is no way that Brock Rumlow is an actual person’s name,” Darcy said. “He just sex-cationed me from the alternative future or whatever and vamoosed. Obviously. Men are such liars!”

“Do you want ice cream?” Jane offered.

“Did I tell you that he says I’m dating Captain America?” Darcy said. “I hope I’m boffing Steve Rogers’s brains out in his universe or something. Brock Rumlow! The freaking nerve...like I’m dumb enough to believe that’s his actual name.”

“I wonder if my mom caught you having sex on her kitchen table with Steve in his timeline?” Jane mused. “From what Thor says, Steve would probably be so embarrassed.”

“Jerkface. Muscly, stupid hot jerkface,” Darcy muttered, retrieving the pint of Ben & Jerry’s. “Who would even name their kid Brock Rumlow?”

“Rock and Brenda Rumlow?” Jane said, laughing.

“If he comes back, I’m going to ask to meet Rock and Brenda,” Darcy said, giggling. “Don’t they sound like Utah Mormons who own an insurance company? His siblings are probably named Brendalynn and Rockella.”

“I’d be careful about meeting the parents,” Jane said glumly. “Even the hottest guy has at least one nightmare parent.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, dipping her spoon into the carton. “I wonder if someone at SHIELD would tell me how long it takes to accrue PTO if I called?”

“Maybe,” Jane said. “Didn’t he give you a real number for emergencies?”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “He left me some sort of juiced up taser, too.”

“If his parents are Mormons, they so hate his tattoos and his sex-enthusiastic lifestyle,” Jane said. Darcy snorted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medovik cake: https://www.rbth.com/russian_kitchen/2017/03/24/russias-most-irresistible-honey-trap-medovik_726656
> 
> Nadia looks like: https://pin.it/aro4fxyel3oznk


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Two Natashas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your comments and kudos!

“It’s so much fun coming here, James,” Nadia said to Bucky. She’d brought him chocolate chip cookies. They were meeting for lunch at Triskelion regularly now. His therapist had suggested they take it slow. No one had told Nadia’s foot, though, and it was playfully creeping up his calf. Bucky didn’t know how long he could hold out, honestly. Nadia was more dangerous than Nat, at least in terms of how appealing he found her. No woman in the 1940s had ever matched Bucky’s own flirtatiousness.

“You think this place is fun?” Bucky asked, desperate to distract himself from the erotic thrill of Nadia’s touch. Her toes were tracing little circles with gentle pressure.

“Sure,” she said. “Watch.” She beamed at a nearby SHIELD employee. They shrank back. “They’re terrified of me,” she said, delighted. “Everyone is so scared of Cousin Nat. Just utterly terrified.”

“You’re not?” Bucky asked.

“It’s hard to be scared of her when she calls you all sad whenever she needs her Russian tea cookie fix and borrows your nail polish,” Nadia said in her throaty voice. She smiled brightly at another SHIELD employee and they jumped. Nadia smirked and rubbed Bucky’s metal arm in soft, gentle circles, matching the pace of what she was doing with her toes. His heart raced. Just then, Natasha emerged from the building, waved, and moved happily over to greet them. The man who’d jumped looked even more nervous at the sight of two Natashas.

“Did you bring me tea cookies?” Nat asked.

“No. These are chocolate chip. James’s favorite,” Nadia said, beaming at him.

“James’s favorite,” Nat mocked, rolling her eyes.

“Don’t say his name like that,” Nadia said. The lookalike cousins-twice-removed began to bicker. Passing SHIELD employees stared. 

“Nat--” Bucky began.

“It’s not always about you, Natasha,” Nadia said.

“Who taught the dog to walk there after you saw Yasha on television and said he was cute?” Nat said. “I set you up!”

“I would have come to SHIELD to meet him, anyway,” Nadia said. She smiled wickedly at Bucky. 

“You cannot get into SHIELD,” Nat said, sounding offended.

“Not even Nick Fury can tell us apart,” Nadia said. “He spoke to me last Tuesday. Why is your report late? Have you been sneaking up to New York to see that Dr. Banner again?”

“Nadia!” Natasha said. “I told you that in confidence!”

“I just want to know why you have been hiding him from the whole family. Does Bruce Banner have unfortunate moles or something, James?” Nadia asked.

“Uh--” Bucky said, uncertain.

“He can’t be as good-looking as you,” Nadia said, tucking her foot behind his calf.

“Cut it out, Nadia, he’s not letting you water his plants anytime soon,” Nat said.

“Natalya,” Bucky said, embarrassed.

“He’s supposed to be taking it slow,” Nat scolded.

“You are?” Nadia said, looking upset and withdrawing her foot from his leg. “James, why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have--”

“Doll, I didn’t want you stop. And when she gets to water my plants is my decision,” he told Nat sternly.

“Fine,” Nat said.

“You’re just mad you don’t know where he lives,” Nadia said. She rubbed his calf with her foot again.

“You told her where you live?” Nat asked. Behind her, a swirling circle appeared.

“Watch out,” Nadia said, pulling Nat out of the way as the circle grew. It was all shimmers of purple. Bucky stood up and moved to half-block Nadia. As they stared, a man tumbled out onto the ground, coughing.

“Barnes, Romanoff,” Brock Rumlow said, once he’d caught his breath. He stood up and went white at the sight of Nadia. “You’re in the same place! What’s Foster done? The space-time continuum!” he said in a panicked voice, looking over his shoulder at the circle. It disappeared with a pop. “I need to get back there!” he said.

“I’m her cousin,” Nadia said quizzically. “Is he high?”

“She is my cousin,” Nat said.

“She’s your cousin,” Rumlow said flatly. “You have an identical cousin?”

“Second cousin twice removed,” Nadia said. 

“Third cousin,” Nat corrected.

“But I’m a natural blonde,” Nadia said.

“No, you’re not,” Nat said. “You haven’t been a natural blonde since 1995.”

“My eyes are more green,” Nadia insisted. They were still bickering when Rumlow shook his head and stomped off.

 

“Barnes finds a perfect twin for Romanoff and I have to go to 2013?” he said to himself. “Why am I so fucked?” He was mentally calculating how quickly he accrued paid time off when the elevator opened. Steve was standing there with Jack. “Cap,” Rumlow said flatly.

“Rumlow,” Steve said cheerfully. “Darcy asked about you at movie night. How was your vacation?”

“Great,” Rumlow muttered. “It was great. I’ll get the next elevator.”

“You don’t want this one?” Steve asked.

“It’s not personal,” Rumlow said. The doors closed. Steve looked at Jack.

“That felt personal,” Steve said.

 

***

 

Darcy was making Jane coffee in the SHIELD breakroom when Rumlow walked by. “Apples!” she called. “We missed you at movie night. I showed  _ Notorious _ for Bucky. I thought you’d like it.”

“I love that movie,” he said grouchily. Darcy stared at him. Clearly, he had not relaxed on vacation. The man was high-strung, she thought. Steve had told her that he’d been cool as a cucumber, pre-HYDRA Uprising. Maybe it was the stress of undercover work?

“Yeah? I do, too,” she said. He stepped towards her. 

“You do?” he said.

“That telephone call kiss is the best. What do you want to see next?” she asked, turning back to stir her coffee. She was startled when he pulled her into a sideways hug. It was an oddly affectionate and tender hug. She hadn’t expected him to be a hugger. 

“Whatever you want, sweetheart,” he said into her hair. He sighed, then let her go.

“Are you okay?” she said. He looked genuinely sad for a second, then shook it off, like a wet dog.

“I gotta go earn some PTO,” he said, backing out of the breakroom. He pointed at her. “But you should know that--in an alternate universe--you really love me.” He grinned.

“I really love you?” she said. He nodded and tapped the edge of the door frame.

“Yeah, you do,” he said and grinned more widely. “We’re great together. Perfect.”

“Sure,” she said, smiling in spite of herself.

“We had lots of sex on Jane’s mom’s air mattress,” he said, beaming at her. 

“What?” Darcy said, but he was already in the hallway. How did he know?

“You love me!” he called back.

 

***

 

“Jane,” Darcy said, marching into the lab. “What did you do to Apples?”

“Me?” Jane said, too innocently.

“He knows about your mom’s air mattress, Jane,” Darcy said. “Don’t you lie to me. What did you do?”

“He promised me takeout and coffee,” Jane said, looking chagrined. ”So, I portaled him where he wanted to go.”

“You pimped me out for coffee when  _ I bring you coffee _ ?” Darcy asked. “Did you give him Asgardian love spirits?”

“Pimped? No, I just sent him to London to meet you before you moved in with Steve,” Jane said. “No spirits, I swear! Why?”

“Ughhhhh, alternate me totally boned him or something,” Darcy said. “Willingly. On your mom’s air mattress.”

“In the junk room? With her sewing machine and the quilts?” Jane asked.

 

***

Darcy unlocked the apartment door and hung her bags on the hook Steve had installed for her. She was a stuff dropper and he was tidy, so this was their compromise. “Honey, I’m home,” she called.

“Hello, Roomie,” Steve said, stepping in from the balcony. “Did you want some wine?”

“You opened a bottle already?” Darcy asked.

“I had a feeling,” Steve said.

“You know about Jane?” Darcy said.

“No, I just had to keep Nat and her cousin from fighting over Buck,” he said. “It was the people watching us in the elevator fight, only worse.”

“She has a cousin?” Darcy said, taking the glass. They walked out to the balcony together.

“You won’t believe this: the cousin’s identical,” Steve said. “You can only tell ‘em apart because of the hair.”

“Like  _ Bewitched? _ ” Darcy said.

_ “Exactly,” _ Steve said, raising his eyebrows. Darcy had made him watch  _ Bewitched. _ He didn’t mind. “Only Sam’s cousin Pandora is much less scary than Nadia Romanoff.” He shuddered a little and she grinned.

“How does Bucky feel?” Darcy asked.

“Happy, I think,” he said. “He always did like it when women fought over him. What’s going on with Jane?”

“Umm,” Darcy began, not sure how to begin. The sunset over the Potomac was so pretty, it would be a shame to ruin the mood, really. “Jane insulted silent films again?” Darcy said. Jane had been complaining about her upcoming SHIELD movie. Owen had helped pick it.

Steve shook his head. “How can she be so smart, but not appreciate Clara Bow?” he asked.

“It’s a mystery,” Darcy said.

“Did I tell you that Rumlow is back from his mysterious vacation? Wouldn’t get on an elevator with me and Jack today,” Steve said.

“Well, about that, Steve--” Darcy began.

  
-THE END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The telephone kiss scene in Notorious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8xRZeIZAx8
> 
> Frank Grillo is such a great hugger of people--on the red carpet, he hugs Nick Jonas, he hugs his wife, he hugs Chris Evans, he even hugs kids who've lost matches onscreen in Fightworld--that I thought Brock Rumlow's primary expression of emotion might be that.


End file.
